


Days Like This

by Kneekeyta



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: mentions of self har
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 48,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5013052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kneekeyta/pseuds/Kneekeyta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW: Mentions of Self Harm</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Some days it feels like you are walking alone in the world, nothing to look forward to and nothing keeping you here; it’s days like this that make a person wonder if they will ever find something to fill the emptiness, the constant void inside them. Maybe, they thought they were complete at one time, but the harsh reality of life ripped a hole in them so deep it hurt to breathe, or maybe they were never complete to begin with. Often times when tragedy strikes the holes within a person grow, and now the hollow that was once a person wanders meaningless through life unaware and unsure if they will ever feel complete. 

All Finn Nelson new was at this moment the one person who truly brought light to his life was now being lowered into the ground, along with a piece of him. He stood there tears streaming down his face emotionless as a light rain fell from the sky. He could barely feel the sympathetic shoulder pats and squeezes his friends and family offered as they left.

 

Finn would later walk home in the harsh rain feeling numb, completely emotionless, with only the sound of his footsteps and the warmth of his tears to keep him company.

She always knew what to say, had the best advice, she listened contently, not a judgmental bone in her body. Always knew how to make a person feel better, she was the best friend and now she was gone. There was nothing that could be done to save her, they said she was too far gone, the therapists had warned her of the repercussions her actions could bring but it was too late, she was gone.

Rae Earl had lost her best friend, how could she go on with life now; she could barely make it before, what could possibly keep her here now, was there a point.

That night Rae reread her diary, holding on to every memory her and her best friend shared, as if the memories might somehow slip away.

It would be a week before Finn would be able to leave his room, only one intention in mind, friends would call or drop by to visit; his dad would always divert them knowing that Finn needed time to cope and he would come around when he was ready. That was the thing about Finn, he wasn’t much of a talker to begin with, mostly he was a listener an observer, he would talk when he was good and ready and there would be no trying to force him as he would only clam up further. Finn would make his way down to the living room to see his dad reading the paper; he looked up at Finn with a weak smile, Finn hardly able to return one. Finn looked at his dad and Gary knew by the expression Finn conveyed where he was going.

Rae was a mess, she didn’t think it possible to feel more alone in a world that was already empty to her, she cried herself to sleep most nights; wondering if there was anything she could have done. Logically, she knew that there wasn’t anything she could do, but that doesn’t stop the bad thoughts from giving you the impression that you could have helped, that you could have made the difference, does it. Rae’s mother comforted her as much as she could, they were never a express all your feelings type of family, so when it came down to important events, it felt more awkward than anything else, but Linda knew Rae appreciated the effort.

It only seems fitting that it would be a dark gloomy rainy day, seeing as that’s how she feels on the inside, dark and gloomy not a hint of sunlight to be seen, it’s a bit depressing when the weather doesn’t match your emotions; it’s like a safety blanket, you’re sad, depressed and crying and so is the sky; its oddly comforting, like now you don’t feel so alone.

Finn made his way down the road after stopping to buy some flowers, keeping his head down the entire way, because why not, there was nothing to look forward to.

As Finn stood in front of the cemetery gates he faltered and sucked in a sobbing breath, trying to hold it together as best he could. Unsure if he would be able to set foot inside and in order to gather up his strength he let out a harsh sigh and took a few steps back.

Rae made her way to the gates of the cemetery eyes fixed on the ground, hand gripped around the stems of some daisies so tight she thought the tops might break off, she was then suddenly pushed back as someone stumbled into her.

As she stumbled back her grip on the daisies weakened, the flowers dropping to the wet pavement. She immediately crouched to pick them up not paying attention to the person who bumped her, who was now gathering up their own flowers

Finn made his way to apologize while looking down at his flowers “I…I’m sorry I….” he said wavering

“It’ okay.. I wasn’t looking where I was going” Rae offered with a soft broken voice

The pair looked up at each other offering a faint smile noticing they both had a bunch of daisies in their hands. After a beat past both began to fidget with the growing silence until a drop of rain fell from the sky.

Finn made to move around her and she made to move around Finn leading to that awkward dance maneuver. Finn smiled a real smile for the first time in weeks and stepped aside waving his arm to allow her to pass. She smiled back and nodded towards Finn and walked into the cemetery taking the path on the right.

Finn watched as she walked down the path until a drizzle began, he took a deep breath and stepped inside taking the path to his left, the feeling of sadness that was gone for a brief moment reappearing in full force, tears trickling down his face as he made his way over to his Nan.

Rae sat cross legged in front of Tix arranging the flowers around her headstone. As she brushed her hand across Tix’s name tears flow freely down her cheeks. She stayed silent for a long while, thinking about everything she needed and wanted to say. But as she sat there not quite able to form her words just yet the rain grew heavier, so she told her the only thing she could at the moment “I miss ya fatty, I’ll be back again soon” with that she brushed her hand over Tix’s name one more time sniffing back her tears.

Finn sat next to his Nan’s head stone his knees brought to his chest resting his chin on them, he tried to hold back his tears as best he could before letting out a stifled laugh “I know you would be telling me to quit crying Nan, but I just miss ya so much….look I brought your favorite flowers” he smiled laying them against her headstone. He sat in silence for a bit thinking about his Nan and how when he was sad or upset she would make him a cup of tea because tea made everything alright. As the rain grew stronger Finn brushed his fingers along his Nans headstone promising he would be back again soon.

As he made his way back towards the front of the cemetery he could see the girl from earlier in front of him with her head down walking quickly, Finn wondered briefly who she was there to see, he watched her exit the gates, she went left, Finn got to the entrance and looked left not seeing anyone, then turned right to make his way back home.

As Rae got home she hated herself for not being strong enough to talk to Tix, to talk to her the way she used to in the bathroom stalls, about anything and everything. Rae lay on her bed opening up her diary once more to relive past memories of Tix, promising she would go back and tell her what she needed to say.

The next day Finn woke feeling a little lighter, he was actually able to listen to music. He tried before but his thoughts were louder than any song he played, so he sat in the silence of his room. His dad happened to hear the soft sound of The Smiths coming from his son’s room, he smiled to himself as he walked over to Finns slightly open door.

“how are you doin’ today son?” Gary asked with a worried smile

“bit better I s’pose” Finn said riffling through his records

Gary new better than to push Finn so he left it at that “Archie rang again maybe you otta give him a ring, eh.” Gary said as he turned away from Finns room.

Finn new he shouldn’t have been avoiding his friends for this long, but how could they possibly understand what he was going through, none of them had suffered a loss. He wasn’t ready for all the sympathy from his friends yet, he knows his friends mean well, but sometimes you just have to be alone, right?

Rae, was off to see her therapist Kester, she knew that it was going to be a hard session because he would most likely want to talk about how she’s coping with the loss of Tix. Rae went into Kesters office and as if on cue tears sprung from her eyes and she cried for the first half hour, Kester there with tears in his eyes and box of tissues. The only thing that was said during the hour long session was “Rae, don’t blame yourself, there was nothing you could do and you know that, she was sick and now you need to focus on getting better, I’m here for you anytime you wanna talk, just please don’t blame yourself” he pleaded Rae nodding her head.

When Rae got home her mother told her that it might be a good idea to go out the next day, to call her old friend Chloe. Rae was not ready for that, she had only been out of the hospital for two weeks. She didn’t want to deal with the pain of losing Tix and having to tell Chloe where she was or make up some bullshit lie. Although Chloe was her best mate before, could it be possible to tell her what happened, what she had done, could Chloe possibly understand. Rae just sat lay in bed thinking until drifting off to sleep.

Finn sat around listening to music all day contemplating whether or not to call Archie. In the end he decided he would take more time, Archie was one of his best mates; surely he would be able to understand he needed to be alone, so he lay there in his room listening to the melodious sounds waft around him as he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Finn found himself following his feet to the familiar entrance of the cemetery. He huffed out a breath before taking the path to his left, as he slowly approached tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Nan, I miss you so much, it’s hard going from talking to you every day to not at all” he cried out

“Archie keeps calling round’ to see me, but I just can’t face em’..not yet Nan, how could they understand… I lost my best friend” he whispered

“Now, I know you would be telling me to quit being so daft” he stifled a laugh “but I’m just not ready to let go yet” he sat in silence a while longer.

 

Rae made her way into the cemetery and sat on the benches just inside the gates going over her last session with Kester, even though she cried basically the entire time she heard what he told her and she knew he was right, but still she felt she owed Tix an apology.

When Finn walked back to the front of the cemetery he could hear the sounds of muffled sobs, as he looked around he saw the girl from the other day. As Finn walked closer to the benches the worse she sounded, Finn having his own tears in his eyes sat down beside her.

Rae felt the presence of someone sit by her and she tried to suppress her crying. She suddenly felt a wave of calmness rush over her as she wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. She chanced to look to her left to see the boy from before sitting beside her looking down at his feet. The pair sat in a comfortable silence, until they looked up at each other sharing a sympathetic smile. Finn couldn’t help but notice how big her eyes were and also how sad they looked, she was pretty, the kind that people might not see at first glance but he could see it.

As Rae stared at this boy she took in all the features, his sad dark brown eyes set underneath his bushy eyebrows, his freckles lightly sprinkled across his face, he was quite fit.

They both turned to look back down and at the ground a few more minutes passed then by chance they stood up at the same time. Rae fidgeted for a moment before looking up at Finn; Finn gave her a weak smile as fresh tears were ready to spring from her eyes. Finn reached out and patted her shoulder and she smiled, after a moment she nodded, Finn smiled and stepped aside to let her pass.

Finn knew there was no need for any words; no amount of words could help this feeling. He watched as this girl walked the path and when he lost sight of her, turned and made his way out of the cemetery whre he would go home and fall asleep.

Rae approached Tix’s grave and sat sobbing.

“Tix, I’m back”

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk much the other day, it just hurts too much” she sniffed out

“I went to see Kester but I just cried the entire time, he told me not to blame myself and I know you would tell me the same…but it’s hard Tix, I know there was nothing I could have done but still..” she cried while wiping her tear with her sleeve.

Rae sat a bit longer enjoying the peace and calmness that comes with sitting in a cemetery then set off home, the sun was low in the sky on her walk as she thought back to the boy who she had been seeing.

Finn woke feeling that rush of sadness once again. He made his way downstairs where he would find his dad making breakfast.

“Hey there Finn how you feelin” he asked in a chipper voice

Finn just stared sadly and blankly at him before averting his gaze down. Even though it was Gary’s mother who passed he couldn’t deny that Finns bond with her was stronger than his own. She was always there for him with words he needed to hear and to sit with him in comfortable silence when no words were found. When Finns mother left he had went through a similar quiet lonely phase, but when his Nan moved closer he was constantly visiting with her, helping in the garden and in the kitchen while listening to music, she was a his safe place.

Finn sat eating breakfast with his dad when Gary finally had to break the silence “Finn, why don’t you try giving Archie a call today or maybe Chop..I think it will do you some good” he spoke softly

Finn sighed knowing that he would have to explain as best he could his feelings, which was unknown territory with his dad.

“Dad..I’m just not up for it yet..it hasn’t been that long anyway..I just need more time..I..I don’t want to talk about it with them or for them to act weird around me..so please just leave it” Finn explained best he could while pushing food around his plate.

Gary sighed “whatever you need son..but please just don’t keep it all inside..talking might do ya some good, I’m here anytime ya know”

“I know..thanks dad” Finn said while pushing out of the chair

–

‘Rae, breakfast is ready could you please come down and eat?” Linda softly pleaded

Rae, sighed for someone who had once had a problem with binge eating she didn’t feel like eating much of anything these days. Rae made the effort though not only for her mom but herself as well. She sat silently while eating her breakfast. “Rae, why don’t you go out today, maybe call Chloe, I know your upset love but I think you need to talk to someone, make new friends”

Rae was listening to her mum, she could talk to Kester but that’s not the same as talking to a friend is it, but how could you talk to a friend who couldn’t possibly understand what you’re feeling. You could explain it all you want, unless they’ve experienced it there would be no way they could understand; yeah sometimes just getting things off your chest helps lighten you some, but it doesn’t compare with knowing someone truly empathizes with you.

“You’re right mum, I think I’ll take a walk today, maybe go to the record shop or somethin” she offered while standing up

Rae got dressed and made her way back downstairs telling her mum she would be back later, she already knew where she was headed, even though Tix was no longer here the thought of being in her presence was better than being in the presence of the real world.

As Rae made her way to into the cemetery she noticed the boy from before sitting on a bench biting at his nails, Rae sighed softly and decide to walk over to him.

Finn had been sat there for a good 15 minutes not having been to visit his Nan yet, he started to think about what his dad said, maybe he should talk to someone, he thought about how he would go about it; Finn was never good with words so he would have to really practice what he needed to say, the more he thought about it the more he chewed at his fingernails, he then felt someone sit beside him.

He looked up to see it was the girl from before, she smiled softly at him which he reciprocated, there was a moment of silence

“erm..thanks.. for before.. ya know” Rae stuttered

“s’alright” Finn said smiling soft

“Any way..well I better go” Rae said as she began to stand, she was pulling at the sleeves of her shirt wondering if should say more, but what could she possibly say, nothing.. so she walked away.

Finn just nodded and watched her as she left, he thought he should talk to her say something but the subject of death is never and easy topic, it’s not like you can just come right out and talk about it freely, so he sat there a while longer, before heading to visit his Nan.

“Hiya Tix” Rae said as she sat down next to Tix’s headstone. “Mum wants me to give Chloe a call, can you believe that, do you remember me telling you about her” Rae paused let out a small chuckle “of course you remember you remember everything, any way I don’t know if I should..” she was fidgeting with her fingers “it’s just..just how could I possibly tell her where I was or what I had done, we were really close friends and then everything just… changed..” she trailed off sighing heavily as her eyes well with tears

Finn was sitting next to his Nans headstone for a long time remembering all of their fond memories together, how she would let him and Archie build forts in her back yard, how she would sneak him a sweet before dinner, he sat smiling but all too soon a single tear glided slowly down his cheek “gah.. I miss you so much Nan..I don’t know what to do without you” he forced a smile shaking his head “I really need one of your special cups of tea and for you to tell me it makes everything all right” he said as he ran his fingers lightly over her headstone “dad is still on me about calling up Archie or Chop..remember me tellin’ you about him” he laughed “ I will call them, but in my own time..I just need time” he sighed.

Finn made his way out f the cemetery and was in desperate need for some tea so he went to a café down the street from the cemetery, a place he had never been too, he wouldn’t go to one of his normal spots because what if her ran into one of his friends unprepared, he wouldn’t know what to say or how to act. When he walked in he felt somewhat calmer it had a nice homey warm feeling to it, a little old lady came from the back to take his order, Finn couldn’t help but smile as he ordered his tea. As he sat thinking more about what he was going to do, he was studying his hands pretty intently when he heard groan and smacking noise.

Rae was still conflicted about what to do, should she call Chloe, should she tell her what happened, would Chloe just laugh in her face, no, Chloe wouldn’t, but still. Why were things always so difficult, couldn’t one thing in her life be good, not even good, maybe just a bit easier where she didn’t have to hide or lie she could just be herself. She sat down feeling anxious while she waited for her drink, as she thought more and more about what to do she grew aggravated, she groaned slightly and through her head into her hands resting on the table shaking her head.

A little old lady brought Rae her tea likely due to noticing how upset she was, she tapped Rae lightly on the shoulder “here you are love” the lady set the tea on the table smiling at Rae gently rubbing her shoulder “thank you” Rae said softly feeling slightly embarrassed “you alright dear” the lady smiled at her but her eyes full of concern, Rae smiled back at her “ye-yes sorry” she said casting her gaze down “nothing to be sorry for and my names Beatrice if you need anything” she smiled at Rae and Rae nodding at her in return

Rae let out a harsh sigh as she turned to look at her cup of tea, she brought it up to her mouth to take a sip as she looked up there he was, the boy from the cemetery looking directly at her, she smiled small and cleared her throat as she set her cup back down looking at him.

Finn wasn’t sure what to do it was weird maybe not weird but awkward they kept seeing each other and he kind of comforted her that one day and she thanked him but now what; they were sitting in the same café drinking tea staring at each other in a “hey this is awkward, what now” kind of way he couldn’t really ignore her because that would just be rude but what else could he do..but before he had time to think he smiled small at her pointing between himself and the empty chair across form her, his eyebrow raised high in question. She smiled shrugging her shoulders as if to say “why not”.

Finn got up and took his tea and sat down across from Rae, immediately thinking ‘well what now’. He looked down at his tea and sloshed it around a bit as if the answer would suddenly appear. He chanced to look up and saw her doing the same thing and he laughed small.

Rae looked up after she heard him laugh, yes, she had nodded to him that it was okay for him to come sit with her but she didn’t have time to think about what she would say.

“So..” they both said in unison causing them to smile at each other

“Y’alright” Finn said immediately regretting it of course she wasn’t alright he thought to himself ‘you keep seeing her at the cemetery you twat’

“I’m.sorry dumb question” he tried to back peddle

She smiled “no its alight..I’ve been better..I suppose” but the expression she made was that of a questioning nature, she furrowed her eyebrows together and looked off into the distance as if she was trying to remember a time where she actually was better but was coming up empty.

Finn caught this look and had a puzzled expression on his face; it was like he knew what she was thinking “you don’t seem so sure” he asked his voice sounding a bit concerned, she looked up at him and cleared her throat offering a small smile “how about you” Finn clearly noting her redirection “been better too I s’pose” they both just sat there just staring at each other nodding in understanding.

Not wanting to bring up the subject of who they were visiting and what happened just yet, because that would definitely be a mood killer more than it already was, because let’s face it who wants to ugly cry in front of a complete stranger. So Finn figured he ask a question based off the only other thing he knew anything about..music.

Rae sat there staring at him becoming increasingly uncomfortable thinking ‘what if he asks who I was visiting..I can’t tell a complete stranger the truth he’ll think I’m a mental patient..literallly’

“So what sort of music you into?”

Rae sighed in relief thinking thank god, he must get it

She smiled at him but could tell he was bracing himself for the worst “um..Oasis, Blur, The Smiths, The Stone Roses…” she rambled on and on

Finn smile at her nodding his head in agreement at her list “what about you?” she asked

“Honestly, basically the same” he smiled surprised that a girl actually liked the same music as him, most girls just pretended to like the same music trying to get his attention.

They sat in the café for the next half hour chatting back and forth about music.

“Well, I should get going” Rae sighed disappointedly, she had actually been enjoying herself for once without all the comments from the peanut gallery that was her mind, she really didn’t want to go but she had to get home before her mum freaked out

“Right..well I’ll see you around..yeah” Finn said, she smiled and nodded at him

Rae got home and was surprised to actually feel a little better having talked to someone it was a distraction for little while at least.

“what did you get up to today Rae” Linda said as she came around the corner form the kitchen

“Nothing much..just went and visited Tix” she cast her eyes down

“Then had tea..with this boy I’ve seen a few times around town” she didn’t want to say the cemetery because her mum might get upset that she was hanging around someone just as mopey as her

“oh..and who was this boy..what’s his name” Linda questioned as she dried a cup

“oh he’s just…” Rae trailed off coming to the realization that she didn’t even ask for his name, thinking what a ‘fucking idiot I am”

“Mum I’m tired I’m just going to go to bed.. yeah” Rae said hurrying upstairs before her mum could say anything else.

Finn walked in his front door in a much lighter mood than he left in “hey kid, you seem to have a pep in your step whats up?”

Finn immediately recoiled back to his old introvert self “nothin’ why?”

“why because you seem a little better..did you talk to Archie or Chop I told you you would feel better after ya did didn’t I”

Finns dad could blather on for hours if you gave him the chance “No I didn’t talk to Archie or Chop”

“oh well..wait so then who did you talk to?” Gary questioned

“What makes you think I talked to someone” Finn worried, was he really that transparent

“Because you said you didn’t talk Archie or Chop and if you didn’t talked to anyone you would have said ‘I didn’t talk to anyone” Gary using air quotes to make his point

‘Damn Finn thought when did his dad become so perceptive, why did I have to say it like that’

“So who was it” his dad pushed

“Just a girl I met..seen her a few times at the cemetery” he glanced down unsure of what his dads reaction will be

“So at the cemetery huh..”

“Ya…”

“What did you guys talk about, your nan..who was she there to visit?” he questioned

“geeze dad no we did not talk about nan or who she was there to visit…I don’t know her so that would not be a good conversation starter..we talked about music okay..gah” Finn was becoming irritated what was with the third degree he thought

“okay okay..well can I ask you one last question?” his dad said holding his hands up in truce

Finn rolled his eyes waiting for the question

“What her name”

Then it dawned on him he didn’t know her name, what a complete twat he was, he couldn’t; even ask for her name; he invited himself over to sit with her and he didn’t even introduce himself

Finn let out a loud annoyed groan “I don’t know her name” he grumbled before running up the stairs.

His dad just stood there laughing shaking his head glad that his son may have found someone to open up to who seems to be going through a similar situation.


	3. Chapter 3

Rae woke to the harsh sunlight beating through her window; she let out an irritated grumble then swiftly pulled her blanket over her head. She lay there for a moment thinking over the previous day, how could she have not asked for his name, she groaned loudly in frustration at herself as she stumbled out of bed. She made her way downstairs where she found her mother and her mother’s illegal immigrant boyfriend snuggled up on the couch, rolling her eyes as she walked pass them in search of breakfast.

Finn had been awake before the sun had even come up, as he rounded a corner headed back home he saw Mrs. Dewhurst standing staring out her window as she normally did. It brought a smile to his face he always wondered what her story was, he never really heard anything about her, he assumed she was just an old spinster lady. Finn liked to take walks when he couldn’t sleep; it helped to clear his mind. During these walks he would pick up on the habits of people, like Mr. Riley every time Finn would walk by his house this early he would see him outside inspecting his ’66 Mustang for anything out of order, or Mrs. Stevenson two doors up she always walked her husband out to his car and kissed him goodbye before he left for work.

Observing people was a knack of his since talking was not really his forte, he found he understood people just fine by their actions, sure he spoke but only to a specific people like his best mates, his dad and even then he found himself mainly listening, the only person he truly enjoyed talking to was his Nan, well, when he could get a word in, she could talk for England, just banging on for hours, and he loved it.

After Rae finished breakfast and wrote the events of the previous day in her diary it was time for her appointment with Kester. Rae’s session with Kester was okay at best, for right now it was the usual line up of questions “how are you “how are you coping” “are you taking your meds” have you talked to anyone” “why don’t you tell me how you’re feeling” Rae knew it would be like this for some time and she should be more open and honest about her feelings she knew this, but how. She could talk for hours about anything and everything at least with Tix she did, but when it came to expressing her feelings to others, to people who could not possibly understand she couldn’t find the words, maybe that’s why she did something stupid maybe if she would have just talked about it instead of bottling it things might not have turned out this way. But she had no one to turn too she was just as alone then as she was now, even more so if she’s honest, because now she had glimpse of what it felt like to have someone by her side, someone who listened and consoled her and understood how she felt, but now she was gone and that feeling of loneliness crept back up burrowing deep inside her once more.

Loneliness is a scary thing, you could be surrounded by people who love and care about you but it does nothing to help the fact that you feel alone and sometimes you’re not even sure why you feel alone. It’s a gnawing sinister feeling that over comes your entire being, you become void, unknowing of when and if this feeling will ever go away, you try your best to put on a brave face and pretend your fine when deep inside you feel empty and numb, some even succumb to their loneliness and just accept it, especially if it’s all they’ve ever known.

As Finn finished up his breakfast he made his way to the cemetery, as he walked he wondered if he might see the girl from before and actually not be a twat and introduce himself properly. As he was nearing the cemetery gates he saw an all too familiar face walking towards him.

Finn stopped and took in a deep breath in preparing himself

“Hey, Archie” Finn said not looking directly at him as he awkwardly shifted his feet back and forth, Finn was not prepared for this, how did Archie even know he would be here.

“Hey, Finn are you alright” Archie asked looking and sounding concerned

Finn looked around and at the entrance of the cemetery gates, Finn wasn’t sure how to take this question it could go many ways, he could answer as to why he hasn’t returned any of his phone calls, he could answer with the truth about how he actually feels about his nans death, as Finn looked around searching for an answer to give Archie, he found himself looking down at his feet smiling the words “I’ve been better” echoing in his head

“I’ve been better” he says looking back up at Archie searching his expression to see if that answer would suffice.

Archie smiled a non-committal smile at him “your dad said you would be here..so just wanted to see how you were and if you wanted to meet us at the pub tomorrow”

‘Ah’ Finn thought it was a two part question, Finn decided to answer the latter part of the question, “I’ll think about it mate…what time”

Archie smiled at him “about 7..everyone will be excited to see you… it’s been two weeks”

Finn just nodded his head and shifted uncomfortably..not having thought about the fact that the others would be there. “Ya, mate sounds good…just might drop bye” Finn said unconvincingly

“I really hope you come..I got get to get to work now so I hope to see you tomorrow” Archie patted him on the shoulder then turned back “you know I’m here for you..we all are” Finn nodded at him as he turned to walk away.

Finn watched Archie walk off then turned back to the gates of the cemetery letting out a hard sigh. As he entered he scanned looking to see if he might see her but he didn’t. As he made his way to sit by his Nan he found himself thinking about the girl, he thought back to the face she made when she said that she had been better, the longer he thought about it the more he thought about if he had actually ever really been better too. He supposes he was fine when his mum was still around, but when she left that’s when things changed.

He can still remember coming home from Archie’s running into his house yelling about and asking his mum what was for dinner, only he couldn’t find her, but he found his dad sitting on the sofa staring off into space with his hands sitting limp in his lap. He remembers asking where she was and his dad slowly turning his head tears filling his eyes, he remembers his Dad telling him she left and Finn knew that this time she wasn’t coming back; his dad never even had to say the words, and to this day still never has.

Rae made her way back home after her session having found herself emotionally drained she walked home in a daze, as she grew closer to home her eyes began to burn a lump filling her throat, she had cried so much she wondered how there were even any tears left, but alas as soon as the door to her room shut it was a free for all. She lay down hugging her pillow tightly as she cried herself to sleep.

Rae woke later that night feeling restless so she decided to alphabetize her cds, she could have written in her diary but she decided against it, so she sat concentrating on her music, it was the best distraction to keep her from herself. As she skimmed over each cds track list, she remembered how long it had been since she had made a mix tape; it was decided that the next day she would go out for some blank tapes and relive one of her favorite past times, she hadn’t been able to make a mix in nearly five months, she had an unspoken bond with music it just put into words perfectly how she felt.

The next day Rae found herself downstairs nervously hovering around her mum in the kitchen; her mum had been a on liquid diet and seemed a little on edge. “Rae you’ve been standing there for ten minutes..whats wrong” Linda said as she continued to look down at her lunch, today was vegetable broth “I wanted to make a some tapes but I don’t have any blank ones and was wondering if..” but her mum cut her off “my purse is by the front door there’s a couple tenner’s in there you can have” Rae’s eyes nearly bugged out but she just told her thanks and hastily made her way to get the money and leave before her mum changed her mind. Before Rae got out the door her mum rounded the corner and said “why don’t you give Chloe a call later huh” Rae just shook her head and shut the door.

Finn was deciding if he wanted to go to meet Archie and the rest of the gang, he knew that it would be awkward all the way around, Archie and Chop would be okay after they had a few drinks in them mayeb, but the girls, he just couldn’t handle them. Izzy was always just so happy and concerned for people’s well-being all the time and that was great and Chloe, well he’s not sure what she would do; he assumed that they would both probably just attack him with questions on how he was feeling adding all the condolences that came with death, but he didn’t want that, he didn’t want to talk about it with them, he didn’t want to be reminded, because he knew, he wasn’t ready, he was grateful for his friends and knows they mean well but they just don’t understand how he feels and it would be too hard for him to articulate.

Rae made her way to the cemetery to visit Tix as she approached her head stone tears began to form. “Sorry I didn’t come yesterday Tix I just couldn’t do it, had a session with Kester and we both know how those can go” she laughed a little “any way mum is still on me about calling Chloe but I dunno know what I’m gonna do, it’s just too much to take on right now…” She trailed off as she anxiously rubbed her hands on her thighs “I did talk to a boy I’ve seen here a few times, we ended up in the same café oddly enough..I don’t know his name and we just talked about music” she smiled knowing how Tix would react to this information she stayed silent for a moment before saying her good byes to Tix and that she would be back again soon.

Finn found himself walking in the direction of the pub, he thought about what he could do if things got to be too much, he thought he could always just say he didn’t feel well, or maybe that he had to be home early for something; as he mentally prepared himself for the long night ahead he saw a swish of black hair turn in front of him and walk towards the record shop, before he knew what he was doing he quickened his pace and before she opened the door to the record shop he yelled out “hey, girl” she turned and smiled when she saw him, he quickly flashed a smile of his own.

As he made his way to her out of breath he smiled “I’m Finn” he said holding out his hand “Rae..as in Rachel” she smiled and shook his hand, as their hands connected Finn couldn’t help the feeling that was washing over him, it was a calm tingling feeling. They stare at each other still shaking hands for a moment when the bell on the shop door chimed, as someone walked out they quickly dropped hands.

“Uh..I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself properly the other day..I don’t know what happened” Finn smiled a little embarrassed “Its fine..I’m sorry too..I guess I just wasn’t thinking” Rae smiled

Rae shifted for a moment and was reaching for the door to the record shop “I gotta..you wanna..” she said as she pointed to between herself and the shop, Finn glanced down at his watch to check the time he was supposed to be at the pub now “If you got some where to be its fine” Rae smiled as she opened the door ready to take a step in “Ya..no..I mean I do..but I can miss it” he said smiling at her “are you sure because I do-“ he cut her off before she could finish “No, its fine trust me I’d much rather be here” to this she smiled brightly and he thinks he even saw her blush faintly “well okay if you’re sure” she said before taking the step in “I’m positive” he smiled and motioned for her to walk into the shop him following close behind.


	4. Chapter 4

As they entered the record shop Rae turned to Finn “are you sure you don’t need to be somewhere else” she looked at him worriedly

Finn smiled at her “I’m positive..now what you looking for”

She smiled at him “um just browsing really and I also need to get some blank tapes”

 

“Blank tapes?” he looked at her with a questioning smile

“Um yeah, I like to make mix tapes” she said as she glanced down slightly blushing

“Me too!” Finn said excitedly

“Yeah?” she questioned with a smile as they began to walk further into the store

He nodded with a huge grin “yep I love to mix”

“It’s just something about it, huh..like you can make a tape to fit your mood..” she smiled shyly in hopes she didn’t sound ridiculous

Finn smiled at her surprised “I know exactly what you mean..I have a lotta tapes that were made because of how I was feeling at the time…and the music I put on there just..” he trailed off looking for the right words

“speaks for you” they said in unison

They smiled at each other shyly, both having an unspoken bond with music and its ability to comfort and console you in your time of need or be loud and happy for you when you’re feeling your best.

They soon found themselves sitting on the floor flicking through some vinyl’s chatting back and forth when the shop owner turned on the radio.

Rae and Finn were currently in a discussion about reggae when the radio dj announced that it was best of The Beatles hour.

Both Finn and Rae unconsciously stiffened a little when they heard this announcement but neither noticing the others actions. The first song that played was Paperback Writer, to which Finn and Rae just hummed as they continued scanning the track lists of various albums.

When the unmistakable chords to Dear Prudence began to play Rae dropped the album she was currently holding and a single tear slid down her cheek, Finn hadn’t noticed the tears, what he did notice that Rae began to rock back and forth slowly and rub her hands against the tops of her thighs, as Finn looked at Rae her head was hung low then he saw a single tear drop on to her leg and with that he reached for her hand.

When the dj had announced it was Beatles hour, it immediately made her think of Tix. Tix loved The Beatles. Rae remembered on several occasions when Tix was having a particularly rough time and refused to talk to anyone or leave her room, her and Rae would lay down next to each other Tix curled into a little ball and Rae would sing Dear Prudence to her softly for as long as it took for her to feel better. Tix always told her that she was strong, in a way she never could be.

When Finn grabbed Rae’s hand he squeezed it, she looked up at him to find him looking at her with so much care and understanding in his eyes all she could do was squeeze his hand back. Finn would hold her hand for as long as she needed.

When the song finished she wiped her tears and gave him a small smile.

“why don’t we go get some tea” Finn said with a small smile “tea makes everything alright”

Rae smiled and nodded to him as he stood not letting go of her hand, he helped her up and they share another smile before Rae let go of his hand to pick up the blank tapes off the floor.

As Rae went to pay for her tapes Finn looked down at his hand opening and closing it noting the cold feeling that came over him when she let go.

As they walked to the front of the store Hey Jude began to play Finn’s footing fumbled a bit as he opened the door to leave the shop Rae went out ahead of him, as he took a step out he glanced back in the shop and sucked back the lump that was building in his throat.

Finn and Rae walked in a comfortable silence to the café where they had ‘officially met’ as they walked in the little old lady Beatrice came from the back to take their order “So nice seeing you two again” she smiled

“I didn’t catch your name last time” she smiled at Rae

“My name is Rae” Rae smiled at her

“and who is your friend” she smiled looking at Finn

“Finn”

“Well it nice to meet you both, you let me know if you need anything”

Finn and Rae smiled at each other then looked back to Beatrice “we will” they said in unison.

They slowly sipped their tea, Rae feeling the over whelming need to ask Finn how he was, given she just cried in front of him..again

“So how are you..really” Rae said her face sad

“Because most days I feel alone and empty inside…” she trailed off not looking directly at Finn 

Finn sloshed his tea around a little before answering “really..” he said looking at her raising his eyebrows letting at a small breath

“…I feel the same..” “and its worse because it’s almost like I wanna feel that way..like I don’t want to let anybody in” he said sighing

“I understand exactly how you feel..it’s like you feel alone but you don’t wanna let someone in who doesn’t understand how you feel, it’s like it would make you feel even more alone” Rae said hoping that she made sense

“Exactly, like my dad keeps wanting me to talk to my friends about how I feel, but they just won’t get it and I know they mean well and care but explaining this feeling..” he trailed off as he brought his right hand to his chest over his heart bunching up his shirt

“Is something they will never understand..” he sighed sadly

Rae nodded in agreement “Trust me I get it, my mom keeps on me about calling my friend to but I just can’t bring myself to do it yet” Rae sighed

“Eventually though..” Rae trailed off thinking about her previous discussions with Kester

“I think..we are going to have to let people in..take a chance I guess, to see if maybe this feeling will go away” she shrugged looking down at her tea

Finn shook his head slowly in agreement with Rae

They both knew the little bit of real talking they did that they were letting each other in and they both felt a little better.

Finn walked Rae home in silence, as they rounded the corner he realized that she only lived two streets over from him.

As they got closer he noticed she lived across from Mrs. Dewhurst.

“Hey Rae, you know I only live two streets away” he said as he slowed down some

“Really..” she said looking at him surprised as they approached her driveway

“Yeah..I sometimes go on walks and I always come down this street” he said looking up the street at the direction he comes from

“you do..I’ve never seen you before” she said puzzled

“Yeah..well um that’s because it usually really early mornings” he said glancing down

“oh..” all she said

“erm..ya..hey do you know why Mrs. Dewhurst stares out her window all the time..she’s only done it these past few months but I don’t know why” he said pointing back at Mrs. Dewhurts house

Rae did know why she stared out her window but she wasn’t prepared to explain it to Finn.

“I’m not sure..I never really noticed” she shrugged

“hmm..” is all Finn said

“Well I better go in” Rae said shifting her feet

“Ya.. sure..” Finn said sounding a little disappointed

“I had a nice time Finn..see you around” she raised her eyebrows in question

“Um Ya…I was wondering if you wanted to come round to mine tomorrow got some crap reggae I wanna show you” he smiled nervously

Rae laughed “um can we make it for the day after tomorrow…” she said nervously

“yeah sure..” 

“I..I’ll just come ‘round yours about noon and we can walk back to mine?” he smiled nervously

“ya sounds good” Rae smiled

Finn smiled at her “good night Rae”

“good night Finn” she smiled and turned around to walk away

Finn stood there a moment before turning around and walking down the drive

“Hey Finn…”

He heard and turned around and she was closer to him “just so you know I..I will..” she said glancing down nervously

He smiled at her “I know..I know, me too”

With that she smiled and nodded walking back to her house, Finn walked home with a small smile. He knew what she meant and he would wait until she was ready to tell him however much she wanted just as she would wait for him to tell her. He hadn’t known her that long but could tell she was a kindred spirit and that maybe they met for a reason. That night he went to sleep and slept completely through the night.

Rae stayed awake for a bit writing down the events of the day in her diary, remembering the times she would sing to Tix and how she would hold her when she cried. Rae fell asleep as she softly sang Dear Prudence.

The next day Rae woke up and got ready for the day having to go to her therapy appointment. This time she had actually opened up some, telling Kester that she met someone who seems to be going through a loss also. Kester had told her that it was good that she had someone she could confide in who could understand her, he then asked how much she revealed, her reply was ‘not much’ but explaining that she felt like Finn was someone she could divulge her secret too.

Rae made her way out of therapy deciding to go see Tix. As she walked from the hospital she thought about how long she should wait to tell Finn the truth about what happened. Even though she had not known him long she felt almost immediately that she could tell him and he wouldn’t judge her or be put off by it, she could tell the second he patted her on the shoulder that there was just something about him, that let her knew he understands, but still the voices in her head would often her otherwise.

As Rae entered the gates of the cemetery she saw Finn hunched over on the benches with his face in hands.

Finn had waked that morning feeling better until the he realized what day it was, it was his Nans birthday. He had been so out of it that he had lost track of the days. He went down stairs where he found his dad in the living room listening to Yesterday by The Beatles, his Nan loved The Beatles. He went and lied down on the floor next to his dad both looking up at the ceiling as tears flow freely down the sides of their faces.

Finn lay there thinking about how after his mum left he couldn’t sleep at night, so he would go on walks, the first time his dad woke to find him missing he called the police, they found Finn sleeping in the park on a bench in the early morning hours. he thought about when he was little he had a fear of monsters in the closet as all young kids do and his mum would be the only one able to comfort him by lulling him to sleep, even as he grew older at nine it was just a natural thing she would just sing him to sleep, but when she left he couldn’t take it.

He thought about when his nan moved close to them and he would go on his walks he would find himself at his Nans house crying uncontrollably asking what he did that made his mum leave. His nan would hold him and stroke his hair rocking him back and forth and explain that he did nothing wrong and would then softly sing Hey Jude to him until he fell asleep. Even at 15 he found himself wrapped in the comfort of his nans arms as she sang to him.

Finn made his way to the cemetery after his dad decided to get out of the house for a while.

Finn sat rocking back and forth his head in his hands thinking about his nan and his mum wishing to hear his nans comforting words just once more. He sniffed back his tears and stood, he took one step forward but couldn’t bring himself to keep going he let out a loud cry and his knees buckled beneath him.

He didn’t make it to the ground he felt arms wrap around him, knowing exactly who it was he just let go and held on to her as tightly as he could.

“Finn…” Rae breathed out softly as she caught him mid fall, she brought him to the ground slowly as they hugged and she rubbed his back to comfort him.

Rae and Finn were on their knees and she would hold him for as long as he needed her to while he sobbed into her shoulder. She brought one hand up to pet down the back of his head causing him to sigh as the other clutched his back.

After Finns crying calmed down he pulled out of the hug enough to see Rae’s face which was tear stained he gave her a half smile and pulled her back in for a another hug, a few minutes later they pulled apart, Finn grabbing her hand as they stood.

Finn began to lightly cry again as he looked from Rae to the open cemetery, he hadn’t gone to see his nan yet but he knew she would understand.

“Will you come back to mine” Finn said when he looked back to Rae

Rae looked at him knowingly and just nodded her head.

Finn smiled a watery smile and pulled lightly on her hand to walk out of the cemetery, they both were silent as they walked back to Finns, Finn only releasing her hand to unlock his door.

As they went into Finns room he sat on his bed, Rae hesitating on where to sit, Finn looked up at her and patted the spot next to him. Rae slowly made her way to sit down by him; as she sat Finn took in a deep breath, fresh tears filling his eyes as he turned to look at Rae.

“It was me Nan…”


	5. Chapter 5

Tears roll down Finns cheeks as Rae wraps her hand around his to comfort him, letting him know that she was there for him. After a few moments Finns tears slowed and he wiped his face with the back of his sleeve then looked down to his hand intertwined with Rae’s.

“When I was nine me mum left me and my dad, I came home and she was gone and I knew by the look on me dads face she wasn’t coming back this time” Finn looked at Rae who was looking at him with care as he spoke waiting for him to continue

 

“She had left a few times before, for a day or two but she would always come back..I don’t know why she left but she did..but the last time.. she never came back..” he said as the tears began to flow once more

Rae rubbed the top of his hand with her free hand

“I always thought it was something I had done..I know I was a pretty difficult kid but I didn’t think it would be so bad that she would leave me..” he cried, Rae pulled him into a hug wrapping her arms around him tightly before bringing her hand to gently pet down the back of his head.

He sobbed into her shoulder as he continued “when I was really little I used to be afraid of monsters like in the closet” he laughed

“..and at night me mum would sing to me to soothe me and I would fall asleep to the sound of her voice and it was just something that she always did, even as I got older and out grew those fears..and then when she left I wasn’t able to sleep, I thought maybe that’s part of the reason she left, because I was just too much for her you know, like what other nine year olds mum sings them to sleep because they’re scared..” he laughed humorlessly

Rae waited patiently not commenting as she petted his hair and rubbed his back.

“Me and me dad were having a really rough time of it, neither of us talked about it and I just sort of ended up pushing people out, afraid that if I let someone in that they would just leave me..so I wouldn’t do anything I would just sit in my room, days just past by and nights became sleepless; I would just end up wandering around the streets aimlessly with no place to go..”

“Me dad even called the police once, they found me asleep on a park bench..” he laughed

“Then about two months later me nan moved close to us, just a few streets away actually and I started to go to her house a lot and even without me sayin’ anything she would just tell me what I needed to hear or just sit and keep me company..” He began to cry

“She’d give me tea because it makes everything alright..” he said as he began to cry

Rae held him tighter smiling small as she remembered him telling her that in the record shop…

“…and when I couldn’t sleep and went on one of me walks… I had some place to go..and she would just let me cry while she held me..” he trailed off clutching Rae a little bit tighter

“..and she would tell me it’s okay to cry to just let it out and that it wasn’t my fault me mum left and she would sing to me..she would sing me Hey Jude until I fell asleep..” he continued to sob

“After a while I started to come around again and would have me friend Archie over and we would play in me nans garden and I started to not feel so alone, so empty…because..I had me nan to make it better” he said as sniffed back his tears

“Then a few years later I got a card on me 15th birthday from me mum and all those old feelings came back..I couldn’t understand why she had sent me a card..she abandoned me..Rae ” he cried gripping Rae he soon felt a something wet hitting his shoulder and he knew she was crying with him.

“I got really drunk and ended up at me Nans in the middle of the night and she held me rocking me, calming that nine year old boy inside me questioning why his mum left him…and she just sang to me”

“Then I.. I just changed..I didn’t let anybody in I had a few close friends and still I hardly talk to them..I’m just sort of there..they think that I’m just no good with words, that I’m no good with speaking, but really I’m just afraid, afraid to open up and let people in because I… I don’t want to get hurt again..” he choked back

“I asked me nan once not long ago why she sang me Hey Jude and she said it was because she didn’t want me to become closed off and that I needed to let people in and that one day I would find someone, me other half and that when I found them if I let them in…they would fill the lonely empty feeling inside of me..” he said softly his voice becoming raw

“but I never talk to anyone, I never let myself open up I just turned cold and quiet” he sobbed

“The only person that I would ever really talk to was me nan and now..now she’s gone..I lost my best friend..” he cried hard

They sat in silence Finn crying quietly on Rae’s shoulder as she continued to comfort him, not realizing when it happened they were laid back on Finns bed, Finn resting his head against Rae’s shoulder

He sighed tired from all the crying he had done “today is me nans birthday..and I almost forgot.. after everything she has done for me..I almost forgot” he said with tear stained face looking up at Rae

She looked down at him and pulled him in closer to her, her eyes glistening with tears

“She got sick so fast and then.. she was gone, I didn’t even get a chance..to.. to thank her Rae..to tell her how much I love her and that..that.. if it wasn’t for her I.. I wouldn’t even be here” he cried his eyes closed tight as he gripped Rae’s shirt

Rae stroked his back a few moments before speaking “Finn, your nan is right, it wasn’t your fault your mum left, you were nine years old. You did nothing wrong. She left because of her not because of you or your dad, it was her Finn. Not you” she whispered to him as he continued to cry

“And trust me your nan knew how much you loved and appreciated her, she would be proud of you, you’ve gone through so much…and you’re here” she whispered “your’re here”

Finns crying evened out as Rae spoke to him in hushed tones..she watched him as sleep took over and his breathing became even and deep. She pushed back his fringe back and whispered to him “your strong Finn, much stronger than me”, as a tear slid down her cheek she softly sang to him “Hey Jude, don’t make it bad, take a sad song and make it better..” Finn pulled her closer to him while he slept.

Rae lay next to Finn quietly while he slept, soon the sun was set low in the sky, Finn had long since turned over in his sleep to face the wall, Rae looked at the clock sitting on his bed side table it flashing 8pm, she got up slowly and made her quietly down stairs and out the door.

As she walked home she cried quietly, she realized how much alike her and Finn really were, she had issues of her own with her father, who left when she was little, but unlike Finn she was too young to remember him, that is, until the postcards came.

Finn woke up a few hours later, as he turned over to feel the space next to him, he found it empty, he sat up glancing at the clock on his bed side table it flashing 10:30 pm. Finn got up and fumbled around in the dark to turn on his light.

As he turned on his light he made his way to his records, where he found a note..

Finn, 

Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders, let it out and let it in..

Rae x

Finn smiled as he ran his hand over the note Rae left, he wasn’t sure what it was about her but she made him feel better like there was hope, he opened up to her and she just let him cry no judgment, no pity. Finn was brought out of his Rae daze when he heard fumbling in the kitchen and made his way down stairs.

Finn rounded the corner to find his dad making some tea.

“Hiya kid, wants some tea, it makes everything alright ya know” his dad smiled small at him

Finn shrugged his shoulders and sat at the table

They sat in silence around the dining table a few moments before his dad spoke

“How were you today son..I know I should have..you know, after this morning”

“No dad its fine…you know I would rather be alone anyway..but..” he said as he looked up at his dad with a small smile, ready to really open up for the first time in a long time

His dad furrowed his brows waiting for Finn to continue

“I went to the cemetery, I was really upset didn’t even make it to nans grave..” his voice became low as he remembered

“I just sat there thinking..thinking about nan and mum and I just lost it..I went to stand but couldn’t and my knees buckled and.. she caught me..she was there and she held me while I cried..” Finn said looking off shaking his head trying to make sense of things

“Who was there son” Gary looked at him curiously

“Rae..Rae was there dad” he said it as if he couldn’t believe it himself

“Rae..” his dad trailed off in question

Finn then realized that he hadn’t told him about finding out her name

Finn smiled “ya Rae…the girl I’ve been seeing at the cemetery” Finn felt a rush of heat fill his face..he was blushing

His dad urged him to go on “so what happened”

“well, we came back here and I told her about nan…”

“..and about what happened with mum” he looked up at his dad to check his reaction

Gary let out a hard breath and sat back in his chair

“I told her everything dad, I told her about the day mum left, about how I couldn’t sleep at night and I how would just wander around.. about mum singing to me..” Finn took a deep breath

“I just couldn’t hold it in I just felt like I needed to tell her everything and I did..I told her about nan moving closer to us …” he looked to his dad then glanced back down

“I told her about mum sending me a card for my birthday.. and how it changed me..” he said soft sighing as he looked back up at his dad

“I even told her that I once asked nan why she would always sing me Hey Jude..when I was upset”

Gary gave his son a puzzled look

“I don’t know what it is about her dad..I haven’t even known her that long, it’s only been a few days and I just feel like I can’t keep anything from her..” Finn looked down rubbing hands together trying to understand his feelings

Gary sighed contently “she’s sounds very special son, I’m glad you were able open up to her”

“what did she have to say after you told her..”

Finn looked up at his dad “she told me that it wasn’t my fault mum left, that I did nothing wrong and that nan knew how much I loved and appreciated her and that she would be proud of me..”

“..she also..” he trailed off his voice soft

“she what, son..’

“well after I calmed down I just laid there with my eyes shut and I guess she thought I was asleep and she..”

“she whispered to me that..that I was strong, that I was much stronger than she was…”

Finn looked to his dad his eyes glistening with tears

“then she..she sang to me..she sang me Hey Jude, dad..” Finn said as a tear roll down his cheek

Gary looked at his son with tears of his own welling

“and just the way she sang it… her voice sounded so small and sad but the way she sang it..”

“..it was just..it made me feel so much …made me feel for her..I turned over when she finished because I didn’t want her to see me cry..but then I really did fall asleep” he laughed a bit

“What do you think this feeling means..” he asked softly

Gary sat forward resting his elbows on his knees, thinking a moment before answering, this is was the first time Finn had ever asked him such an emotional question.

“I think it means you finally met the person you are willing to let in fully and completely… that is very rare in life kid…as you know we often don’t share certain things for fear of being hurt or left, so we pick and choose the parts of us we want to be seen..and with Rae, well I think you feel you can be your true self with her, that you can share all the pieces of you with no fear of rejection… you’re not even that way with me, Finn,..I never knew your Nan sang to you…”

They sat in silence a few moments, Finn taking in everything his dad told him.

Gary then stood up “I’m going to leave you to think about that, Finn” he clapped Finn on the shoulder as he walked away

Finn sat thinking for a while before coming to one ultimate conclusion.

Rae tossed and turned that night, time seemed to pass slowly, when she looked at her clock once more it flashed 4:45 am, she groaned unable to sleep so she got up and turned on her desk lamp and began to write in her diary.

She thought about all the things Finn had told her, one statement in particular standing out from the rest “If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t even be here..” Rae knew exactly what Finn was saying, because as she told him, he was much stronger than her, he didn’t take the easy way out like she had tried to.

Rae flipped back through the pages of her diary reminiscing all the times she had sang to Tix. Tix would tell Rae that even if she didn’t show it on the outside, she always felt better when Rae would sing to her. Rae read as tears drop onto the pages of her diary, as she flicked through she came to a passage she hadn’t even remembered writing, she wrote it the day she found out Tix died.

The cool morning air felt refreshing against Finns hot swollen face, after his talk with his dad he went back up to his room where he found himself listening to the soft sounds of The Smiths he listen contently as Morrisey sang, expressing exactly how Finn felt. Somewhere between not being able to sleep and this aching fluttering feeling inside of him, he found himself standing outside of Rae’s house, he glanced down at his watch it showing 4:30 am. As he stood there a smile appeared across his face, he knew it was too early to knock on her door but don’t think the thought didn’t cross his mind, he had so much emotion building up in him he wanted to express to her how he felt, he didn’t even know that much about her but he was willing to put in the time and effort if she let him. As he stood staring at her house a light suddenly flicked on and he knew it was her, he could feel it, he wondered what would have her up so early, what thoughts were running through her mind, was she listening to music…he smiled at his thoughts as he turned to walk back home, he glanced at Mrs. Dewhurst’s house where she was standing at her window, but this time he looked to where she was staring, it was at Rae’s house and specifically at the window with the light on, Finn furrowed his brows wondering why she would be staring at Rae’s house like that. Mrs. Dewhurst caught him and smiled small at him he smiled back and nodded and made his way back home.

Later that morning Finn made his way to the cemetery, as he sat down he sighed

“Happy Birthday Nan, I’m sorry I didn’t come yesterday I was having a really bad time of it..” he spoke softly as tears flowed down his cheeks

“I’m sorry I never got to tell you how thankful I was for you..I thought I’d have more time..” he said brushing his fingers over her headstone

“Remember how you would sing me Hey Jude” she smiled

“and you told me that one day I would find me other half..well, I think I found her nan..”

“I haven’t known her that long..but I can feel it..” he said as a small breeze filled the air around him causing him to smile

“I told her everything about mum and you and how you sang to me..she sang to me too.. she just didn’t know I was listening…” he chuckled small

“I’m going to make you proud nan don’t worry..I’m going let her in..” he sighed as he sat watching the birds circle the sky

Rae woke up to someone knocking; she sat up having fallen asleep at her desk groaning as she wiped the drool off her face. She stood up to stretch and there was another knock at the door she grabbed her dressing gown tying it around her waist as she made her way down stairs.

She opened the door and was greeted by Finn

“Finn..” she said surprised to see him, she didn’t think she would see him so soon

“What you doing here..”

“We were supposed to hang out today remember..I’m a little late its half twelve but..” he trailed off smiling shyly at her as he shrugged his shoulders

“Ya I remember..but I just thought after yesterday you would want some time alone..” she said softly not wanting to upset him

Finn looked down at his feet before looking back up a Rae “Ya, but for once I would rather not be alone..” he said just a softly back

Rae gave him a small smile

“So, you gonna come round mine and listen to some crap reggae or what” he said sounding a bit happier

“Ya, I suppose..come in, you can make us a cup of tea while I change” she said as she motioned for him to come into the house

She pointed him into the direction of the kitchen before going up stairs to change.

As she was changing she heard another knock at the door she yelled down to Finn that she would get it as she made her way down the stairs, she glanced back noting Finn was sitting at the dining table two cups of tea sitting in front of him.

She was smiling as she opened the door

“Chloe..” she said, Chloe embraced her in a tight hug the smile falling form her lips

“Rae I’m so glad you’re back we have so much to catch up on, come on lets chat” Chloe said as she grabbed Rae’s hand inviting herself in.

“Rae who was..” Finn trailed off as he saw Rae and Chloe

“Finn..” Chloe said scrunching up her face in confusion

“What are you doing here..” Chloe asked looking between Rae and Finn

“um..just having some tea with Rae..” he said pointing to the table where the cups sit

Rae walked over to the table desperate to sit as she couldn’t have a proper panic attack in front of them, she did not anticipate seeing Chloe anytime soon, how did she even know she was home.

Finn sat next to Rae as Chloe sat across from them on the opposite side

Chloe sat looking at them confused and before Rae could say anything Chloe spoke

“Rae why didn’t you tell me you were back from France, how do you know Finn?” Chloe asked looking between them

Too many questions, France who the hell said I was in France, and Finn how did Chloe know Finn, Rae nervously began to rub her hands roughly against her thighs

“I um..well..”

Finn noticed Rae’s actions immediately and he slowly lowered his hand reaching to hold hers, as soon as he laced their fingers together Rae felt a rush of relief and calmness come over her

“Well, how did you know I was back” Rae asked curiously

“I saw your mum earlier and she told me, so I thought I would drop by so we could catch up” Chloe smiled as if was just that simple

Then it clicked of course it was her mother who said she was in France, not like she could go around telling people she had a mental patient for a daughter.

“Oh..” is all Rae said

Finn sat nervously watching this conversation take place, unsure of which way it was going to go.

“So how do you know Finn then..” Chloe looked between them for the hundredth time

“I uh.. we..” Rae said she was coming up blank

“We met at the record shop” Finn said hastily

“huh..” is all Chloe had to say for the moment

Finn and Rae both silently praying she would believe it

“you know the gang really misses you Finn, we’re all really sor—

Rae squeezed Finns hand tightly before cutting off Chloe quickly “look Chloe it’s been real nice seeing you but me and Finn were actually headed out so I’ll call you and we can get together soon, yeah” Rae dropped Finns hand and stood up

Chloe was surprised and stood up to follow Rae to the door, she looked at Rae confused and was opening her mouth to say something “So we’ll talk soon see you later” Rae didn’t give Chloe a chance to say anything, she shut the door and sighed as she leaned against it.

Finn walked over to Rae they both looked at each other confused

“How do you know Chloe” they said in unison

“She hangs around with me and my other mates haven’t really known her that long” he shrugged

“She used to be my best mate..” she said as she looked down

“..before I left” she whispered

Rae looked at Finn who was looking at her confused so she pushed of the door

“I need to go grab my jacket before we leave..” Rae made her way upstairs Finn following close behind

As Finn walked into her room behind her he saw her standing at her desk, her hand gently resting on an old used journal. He stood behind her gently placing a hand on her shoulder “Rae..” he whispered to her she quickly turned around and they embraced tightly into a hug as she began to cry.

Finn stroked her back in the same manner in which she did for him, a few moments passed and Rae began to clear her throat..

“I wasn’t in France, Finn..” she sniffed back her tears as much as she could

Finn patiently waited for her to continue stroking and rubbing her back

She whispered softly “I..I was in a mental home..”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Self Harm

Finn gripped Rae tighter as the words slipped from her mouth

Rae continued to cry into Finns shoulder; soon they were lying back on her bed in almost the exact same position as the day before, except Finn was holding Rae.

She tried to calm her crying as she spoke “I guess..gah ..I don’t even know where to start..” she sighed

“..A few months ago I hurt myself, I had hurt myself plenty of times before whether it be from binge eating, cutting or burning myself with hot water..” Finn sucked in a breath “..but one night I went too far..I cut too deep..” She said softly not wanting to look at Finn, if she would have she would have seen the tears in his eyes

 

“Mum came home and found me in a pool of blood unconscious, I was rushed to the hospital and given a transfusion and treated for the wounds on my legs..” Finn flinched and pulled her closer to him “…after I recovered they said it’d be best if I stayed in the psychiatric ward for a few months to get help..” she spoke softly sniffling back tears

“At first I didn’t really talk to anyone, because they just wanted to know why I did it..” at this point she looked at Finn he had tears streaming down his face looking at her, his eyes asking the same question she had been asked repeatedly

“I guess it was just a bit of everything, school was miserable, I was constantly bullied for how I look, I had Chloe for a little while but then she started hanging out with different people..we had been friends since we were little and then she just kinda left me..I’m not saying it’s her fault..its just the feeling of being abandoned set in again..” she said as tears began to form once more

“I picked up these little ticks..like flicking the lights on and off, cutting myself in divisions of eight..” she spoke softly through her tears

“..When I was little me dad left me and my mum, but I was too young to remember him, so I never really knew what I was missing out on, but once when I was about 8 I was at Chloe’s and she thought it would be a good idea to slide down the stairs in pillow cases..” Rae laughed humorlessly as she wiped her face

“We ended up tumbling down both of us a crying mess and her dad came in..and he reached over me and picked her up calming her, and that’s when I knew..that’s when I knew what I was missing..” she sobbed

“I just felt so unwanted and abandoned…so..” she sniffled back

“I had asked my mum a short time after that about him and she told me that he lived in the Outer Hebrides..then one day I got a post card from him..I figured my mum must have told him and he decided to make contact with me, so once a month I got a postcard and he would always sign off with a cheesy quote..” she said as she sniffled and laughed humorlessly

“Then about a month before I hurt myself I found it, it was my mum who had been sending me the post cards all these years..“

“I..I didn’t tell her I found out, I know she thinks she was helping me in some way..but I..I just..the piece of him I thought I had, the piece of him I thought cared was never really there..and I realized my dad never really wanted me..” she cried hard into Finns chest bunching up his shirt in her hands.

“Everything just hit me hard, my mum was working nights, I never saw her, I didn’t have any body and before I knew what I was doing it was too late…” she breathed out as she cried

She cried for a few moments, Finn rested his chin on her head waiting patiently as he continued to gently rub her back

“But when I was in the mental home I had Tix..” she trailed off softly

Finn understood without her needing to say that Tix was the one who passed. He held her tighter and waited for her to continue

“We were complete opposites, she was in there because she wouldn’t eat and I was in their because I overate and cut myself..but she was my friend..”

“We would sit for hours in the bathroom talking about anything and everything, like about what it would be like the outside… we just talked..” Rae had a small smile as she remembered Tix

“I remember we would sit in the common room every Sunday and she would put on the radio so we could listen to Breakfast with The Beatles..”

“She would just sit there smiling with her eyes closed taking in the music..” Rae smiled as she sniffled back her tears

Rae hesitated for a moment before she continued “then..um..one day someone had accidently touched her and she never liked to be touched..they just brushed her arm..and she started shaking and screaming..” Rae cried remembering Tix’s actions and how her heart broke for her

“I had never seen her like that she was always so quiet..”

“everyone was just sort of in a state of shock..” she whispered as she wiped her face

“I walked up to her and I just grabbed her hand and she let me and she stopped screaming..so I walked her back to her room and she laid down on the floor and curled into a little ball, she looked so helpless..”

“That was the first time I sang to her..I laid down next to her as she just lay frozen staring blankly at the wall..and I sang Dear Prudence..”

Rae stopped for a moment as she allowed herself to cry while Finn stroked her back

“After that I found out that normally when things were bad for her, whether it be from a therapy session or the doctors trying to convince her to eat, she would over exercise to the point of exhaustion,or sometimes she would just sit in the bathroom stalls and wouldn’t come out..”

“..so from then on when things got bad for her I would sing to her to try to cheer her up, I mean she still exercised but it wasn’t as intense..one day she told me that it made her feel better even if she didn’t show it and that I was strong in a way she never could be..” Rae trailed off as she choked back her tears

“On the day I was released me and Tix were having lunch and this new guy came up to talk to us and he didn’t know Tix didn’t like to be touched and he touched her arm..Tix started screaming and she started to hit him with her tray and the orderlies had to restrain her to stop her..I tried to follow them but they wouldn’t let me, they said she had gone too far and needed to be see the doctors immediately..”

“I tried my best to get them to let me see her..” she cried tears flowing steadily down her cheeks

“but they wouldn’t let me in..I tried Finn, I really tried..”

“When I got home all I could think about was Tix and what might have happend and thought if they would have just let me seen her I could have calmed her down..”

“later that evening my mum got a phone call saying that Tix had collapsed, that she was in a coma becaseuse she over exercised..” she cried, Finn crying with her

“My mum promised to take me to see her the next day but that morning I found out she didn’t make it through the night..” she said her voice hoarse and low

“I felt like I failed her.. she was my best friend and I failed her, Finn..” she cried

“I should have fought harder to see her..I should have done something..”

Rae cried for a few moments silently

“I was so ashamed I couldn’t even bring myself to go to her funeral..” She cried

“I never got to tell her goodbye..” she cried gripping Finns shirt

Minutes passed before Rae’s crying began to lighten as she laid in Finn arms

“Rae..” Finn whispered to her

She moved some so he would know she was listening

“You can’t blame yourself for Tix, it wasn’t your fault, I know you don’t believe me now but think about Tix, what would she say, she was right you are strong, you helped her even though you were struggling yourself, if anything you helped her stay here longer…” Finn said he then kissed the side of Rae’s head 

“and your dad, he doesn’t deserve to know you, your are an amazingly strong person, your selfless and you’re loyal, he doesn’t deserve you Rae…” he spoke to her quietly

“..I’m not strong Finn, not like you..I tried to take the easy way out..” her voice full as she sighed

Finn understood what she was saying

“You are strong Rae..” he whispered

A few momenst passed before Finn spoke

“That night I got the card form me mum.. I went to a really dark place..I was drinking uncontrollably, I was walking along the overpass and just kept thinking about how unwanted I was and that no one would care if I was gone.and about how easy it would be to just step out…but then an image of me nan flashed in me head and I couldn’t do it..” he spoke softly

“I knew somewhere deep within me that nan was right, that one day this feeling would go away and would be filled with happier ones with new memories of people who love us and won’t leave us..we just have to let them in…and I know it’s hard..it’s taken me a while..”

He looked at her hoping she would understand what he meant by saying it took him a while..

She looked up at Finn he smiled softly at her “I’m glad I met you Finn..” she whispered

“I’m glad I met you too, Rae..” he said has he pulled her closer placing his chin a top her head.

Once again sleep overpowered them, Finn woke a few hours later his head resting upon Rae’s as she was tucked under his chin, one hand gripping his shirt as the other lay across his waist.

Finn repositioned so he was face to face with Rae, looking at her slowly taking in all of her features, her button nose, her perfectly shaped pouty lips; even her eyelashes, he smiled to himself as he watched her shift a little, a small piece of hair falling across her face, he carefully brought his hand up to her face and slowly pushed her hair back causing her to sigh small.

She had wiggled around a little placing her head so that her lips were nmere inched away from Finns.

Finn couldn’t help but smile at her in admiration, how could she think she wasn’t strong , she was by far the strongest person he knew, she dealt with so much and yet she was still there for her friend..she was there for him, to comfort him in his time of need having not even known him that long.while struggling with her friends death.Finn was in completely enamored with Rae..

He smiled in awe of her, fighting the urge to gently place his lips upon hers..just then Rae shifted again and quietly mumbled “Finn…” he waited to see if she was waking up but she didn’t, she just held him closer to her so her temple was resting against his jaw.

He knew now more than ever what his nan meant by finding your other half.

A few moments later as Finn continued to take in Rae a small smile playing on his lips, her eyes fluttered open.

At first she seemed a bit confused, then her eyes softened and a smile formed..

“how long have you been awake..” she said quietly her voice groggy

Finn looked down blushing slightly “not long..” it was true in all actuality it was only about five minutes, but to him time seemed to stand still.

Rae soon realized what a tight grip she had on Finns shirt and released it immediately “oh..sor-sorry”

“Nothing to be sorry for, girl” he smiled

The only thing Finn was sorry for was that she let go of him, then she rolled so she was lying flat on her back.

Rae looked over at her clock seeing that it was now half past five in the evening.

She looked at Finn who was had a small smile staring at her, she smiled small and discreetly wiped her mouth in case she had drool because why else would he stare at her like that.

Soon a grumbling sound escaped Rae’s stomach and she smiled embarrassed as Finn chuckled

He sat up abruptly “Come on lets go get some food I’m starving”

Rae sat up and rolled out of bed and stood stretching, Finn close behind her, as she finished stretching Finn was standing there with a giddy smile

“What..” Rae said slightly laughing

Finn shook his “nothin’ I’m just happy we’re here and that I met you..” he then pulled her into a bone crushing hug

He hugged her with his eyes closed taking her in

“Me too, Finn..I’m glad to have you as a friend..”

The last word cut through Finn, he opened his eyes a frown appearing on his face.he didn’t want to be just her friend.

As his eyes adjusted he noticed he could see Mrs. Dewhurst staring at them..

“Rae..” he said quietly

“Ya..” she said pulling out of the hug

“Why is Mrs. Dewhurst staring at us..” He said confused

Rae’s face dropped “oh..um..as it turns out it was her who called my mum that night..I dunno I guess she knew something was wrong..I still havn’t gone over there but I suppose I should soon..” she said quietly as she looked down

“Oh..well I’ll go with you if you want” he said softly

Rae just smiled at him “come on I’m starving” she said pulling his hand

They made their way down stairs and into the kitchen when her mum came bounding through the front door..

“Mum what’s wrong” Rae said looking between her and Finn

“Who is this young man Rae” Linda said as she looked Finn up and down

“This is my friend Finn, the one I told you about” She said obviously

Finn smiled at Rae and at Linda ecstatic that she had spoken about him

“Oh yes, it’s nice to meet you, Rae did Chloe drop by..”

“Nice you meet you too Mrs. Earl”

Rae smiled at Finn then looked back to her mum “ya she stopped by, said you saw her, where were you that you saw her..”

“I was picking up some things..um Finn could you be a dear an go get the red suit case form the closet at the top of the stairs..” She said her eyes flicking back and forth between him and Rae

“Sure thing..” Finn said pleased as he made his way out of the kitchen

“Mum what’s going on” Rae said worriedly

“Rae I have to leave the country for a few days think someone’s tipped off Immigration” she said hastily

“What..” Rae said her mouth dropped forming a perfect ‘o’

“I know you’ve only been home three weeks but I’ll only be gone a few days and you can stay at Chloe’s or she could stay here..I don’t want to leave you by yourself so if you need me I won’t go..” she said concerned for her daughters well being.

“No mum its fine, I’ll be fine..” Rae said calmly

It’s not like she couldn’t be left alone, she was sad yes, but she knew she wouldn’t do anything stupid, plus now she had Finn to talk to

“Okay then here’s some money I’m going to go pack, go to the hospital if you need anything promise me..”

“I promise mum I’ll see you when you get back, I’m going out right now though”

“Okay be safe and I love you” Linda said making her way out of the kitchen as Finn walked back in

“What was that about” Finn asked as he furrowed his brows

Rae shrugged and nonchalantly and said “mum’s fleeing the country with her illegal immigrant boyfriend”

Finn nearly choked laughing before turning serious “really..” he said as is eyebrows hid behind his fringe

Rae nodded her head “ya..but foods on me” she said as held up the money her mum just gave her

She flashed him a cheeky grin and said “let’s go”

Finn just smiled at her shaking his head following behind

They walked in silence as they headed toward the café they had had been going to.

Their arms brushing each other every now and again, Finn couldn’t help but smile and neither could Rae, But soon her mind caught up with her, and the doubts began to set in, did he just feel sorry for her, was he judging her, would he not want to talk to her anymore, No she thought, that’s not Finn he told her about his mum and his nan..he held her as she cried for Tix, this is real, he is real, she said to herself..

Finn noticed as the smile dropped from Rae’s face and a look of worry sunk in, Finn furrowed his brows and noticed Rae rubbing her thumbs against her fingers, he immediately dropped his hand and laced their fingers together.

It took Rae a moment to realize why she had calmed so quickly, then she felt his hand in hers. She looked up at him smiling small. As they entered the café they were greeted “nice to see you two again” Beatrice announced from behind the till, “go ahead and sit an I’ll bring you some tea and biscuits” she smiled as she shooed them

As they sat they were silent for a moment, Finn knew something was up with Rae..

“Finn..” she said looking up to him

“yea..” he said hesitantly 

“How did you know something was wrong..I mean..because that’s like the third time..” she trailed off

Finn smiled shyly at her “I..erm..well as you know I never talked much so I picked up on people’s habits after a while, so I guess I can just read people..” he trailed off with a smile shrugging his shoulders

Rae looked at him puzzle “ya..but you’ve only seen slash known me for what, like a week..” she said in wonderment

“Eight days..” Finn said matter of factly

Rae laughed “okay eight days..but of those eight days we haven’t been around each other that much, well not enough to pick up on my habits” she looked at him to see if that was right because obviously he was counting

Finn smiled “ya well, I don’t what to say I guess I just can read you better than anybody else..”

Rae gave him an unreadable look “does that mean I don’t have a good poker face..” she said 

Finn chuckled small causing a smile to break across her lips “No, I just notice that when something makes you uncomfortable or nervous you rub your hands on your thighs or ball your fists and rub your thumb along your fingers…” he smiled and shrugged

Rae looked at him stunned no one had ever noticed her nervous ticks before, she smiled at him small “no one’s ever pointed it out to me before” she aid soflty

Finn looked down to his hands in his lap thinking he may have said something wrong

“Rae, I didn’t mean to make your self conscious or—‘ he said worriedly

Rae shook her head “no, no you didn’t..its just nice to have someone notice..me”

He looked back up at her with a small smile 

“Besides..you look at your hands when something is wrong, well more like study them” she said with a hint of tease

Finns small smile turning into a grin and she rolled her eyes at him

Beatrice brought their tea to them setting it down as her hands shook , “Beatrice we could have got the tea you didn’t need to bring it to us..” Rae said concerned

“Rae’s right you didn’t need to bring it to us we could have easily walked five feet and got it..” Finn said like it was no problem

“Now hear you me, I am perfectly able to serve tea..besides you two seemed deep in conversation” she winked as she walked away

Finn laughed pretty hardily, Rae looked at him with a confused smile “What..” asked

“Nothin’ it’s me nan always used to say ‘hear you me’and would point at me when she needed to get my attention..” Finn laughed

“I never heard that saying before..” Rae said smiling at him

“yeah she said all kinds of things, was forever quoting Beatles songs but she would like string them together..” he smiled in remembrance

“Really, like how..” Rae asked happily

Finn smiled thinking for a moment “Well, like one time me and Archie were trying to build a fort in her garden, but we were in over our heads and about halfway through we decided to give up and she came out and was like..” Finn pointed his finger shaking it as he said “oh no you don’t you’re not giving up that easily you two’ve been out here ‘working like a dog’ and I know you can finish it ‘so don’t let me down’ but she kind of sang the parts that were from the song so you’d know..” he chuckled

“When really all she would have to say is something like you can do it, I know you can” he chuckled small again

Rae laughed along as Finn reminisced about his nan

They chatted back and forth about their best friends, Rae telling him how she and Tix would play snog, marry, avoid, or would you rather with various actors and singers, Rae sighing as she mentioned Damon Albarn as an example.

All too soon it was closing time and Finn walked Rae home

“Rae, just so you know I really am happy I met you, that I’m able to share things with you..’ Finn trailed off, before he could speak again though

“Me too, Finn, I really am, like you I didn’t think anybody would understand the way I felt and I’m just glad you do, and that we can talk to each other about these things..I’m just happy to have a friend like that” she sighed smiling looking to Finn

Finn shook his head in agreement but his face was a bit sullen

“We are friends right Finn..I mean..” Rae sounded and looked worried

“No, Rae of course we’re friends..” he stopped walking

“I’m just..I was just thinking I wish we could have met under different circumstances..is all”

Lies all lies that not what he was thinking that word ‘friend’ coming from her again just cuts through him, but for now he would have to accept it until she would let him be more.

Rae sighed “me too..”

“but we’re here now and will be here for each other right..” Rae smiled small

“Right..” Finn said with a smile

They waked in silence the rest of the way to her house

“Rae are you sure you will be fine by yourself..” Finn pleaded

“Yes, Finn..I’ll be fine..” she said for the hundreth time

“Okay..I’ll call you tomorrow..” he said as he placed his hands on her shoulders

She smiled and rolled her eyes “alright now go home” she said teasingly

Finn smirked “alright alright” he said as he pulled her into a hug

He pulled out of the hug and kissed her on the cheek “night Rae"

“Night Finn” Rae sighed and watched him walk down the drive.

Rae went in and collapsed on her bed with a smal smile

After she collected herself she pulled out her diary and wrote out the events of the day..when she neared the end is when she realized she was falling in love with Finn, she knew there was something there when he patted her on the shoulder she could just feel it, but she didn’t think it would lead to this, he calmed her, he knew when there was something wrong, he listened tentatively to her no judgment, no pity, he knew how exactly how she felt, they were the same, but he could never love someone like her in that way she thought, she was far too broken, she would just have to make do as his mad fat friend.


	7. Chapter 7

As Finn made his way home a few stray tears roll down his cheeks, he thought about Rae and all she had been through, she was strong, and he would help her realize it, him and Rae were exactly the same, both abandoned left feeling unwanted and empty..but they had each other now and he would be there for her in every way possible just as he knew she would for him.

 

Finn made his way to his room and flicked through his albums knowing he wanted to put on Abbey Road his nans favorite album, he dropped the needle then turned pulling off his jacket and kicking off his boots simultaneously causing his jacket to fly across the room, when he picked it up he knocked over his guitar, it panged as it hit the floor; Finn looked at it for a moment before leaving it and sitting on his bed. As the opening chords of Come Together played Finn sat staring at his guitar, he looked down to his hands opening and closing them.

He stood for a moment contemplating; he walked to turn off the album and gently picked up his guitar and sat on the edge of his bed.

Finn was trying to remember the last time he played anything, he pin pointed it to about two months before, him and Archie were sat in his room plucking away, Archie was practicing a new arrangement for open mic night while begging Finn to join him.

Finn strummed a few chords allowing time for muscle memory to kick in, soon he found himself humming and tapping his foot his along to what he was playing, he opened his eyes slowly as he sung the last line of Wonderwall smiling to himself.

His dad was outside his door with a very large grin across his face, he knocked on the door and waited a second before he opened it.

“Hey kid, it’s been a while, you still got it though..” Gary smiled at Finn

Finn looked at his dad slightly embarrassed, he never like to play in front of anyone only Archie because they learned together and his Nan.

Finn just shook his head in agreement and shrugged

“It’s nice to hear you play again, what brought this on..” Gary said as he took a few steps into the room

Finn just smiled bashfully and shrugged “I dunno just felt like playing” he said as he picked at the strings

“Wouldn’t be because of a certain girl would it” his dad smiled as he sat down next to Finn

“Maybe..” Finn smiled hopelessly and looked down to his guitar

“Ah that’s alright son, you gonna play something for her”

Finn shot his head up quickly “no!… well..maybe..probably not”

“Why not..”

“I don’t know..it makes me nervous to even think about..I don’t want to make a twat of myself..” he sighed

“Well I’m sure you’ve done that by now, but I reckon she likes you anyway” Gary laughed

Finn scoffed “thanks dad”

“Anytime son” Gary laughed as he clapped Finn on the shoulder

“Have you written anything lately” Gary asked curiously while glancing at Finns table where his journal lay.

“No, not really…” Finn shrugged

“Well, I hope one day you’ll let me hear it…an I don’t mean from in the hall” Gary said as he stood to leave the room

As soon as his door was shut Finn lay his guitar down gently and pulled his journal on to his lap, he smiled looking through the pages at his sad attempts for writing songs, yes he could play guitar and his voice was alright, he tried his hand at writing but he could never seem to get pass a verse or two.

He grabbed his pen and looking down at the blank page he tapped the end of the pen against his bottom lip, soon thoughts of him strumming his guitar for his nan were running through his mind and he began to scribble down a few lines.

He picked up his guitar and lay back against his pillows and began strumming feeling out the right chords before falling asleep, his guitar gently resting beside him.

–

Rae woke the next morning to the phone ringing, she rolled over groaning in annoyance but then smiled thinking it was probably Finn, he said he would call after all.

She rushed to pick up the phone answering out of breath “hello..”

“Hiya Rae..I’m coming over so we can finish our chat, I’ll be there in about half an hour..”

“Chloe I-“ Rae tried to speak

“I’ll be there in 30 minutes Rae..” she said determined before hanging up the phone

Rae was starting to panic repeating fuck fuck fuck FUCK…she had to go to her appointment at 11 and there is no way Chloe would be done blabbing by then..she put her hands flat against the wall and counted to ten.

She was brought out of her counting when the phone rang, she hesitated picking it up, she cleared her throat before speaking “h-hello..” she said in a shaky voice

“Rae, what’s wrong..” a concerned voice said from the other side

“Rae, talk what’s happened..”

Rae’s breaths became shallow

“Fi-Finn, Chloe’s coming over and I have to go to the hospital to see my..my therapist..I don’t know what to do..I can’t tell her I’m not ready…” she was shaking and the room started to spin

“Rae calm down, take deep breaths, it’s okay, what time is she supposed to be there..” his voice calm and quiet

“In about half an hour.”

“and what time is your appointment..”

“at..uh..at 11”

“Okay don’t worry I’ll handle it, what time is your appointment over?”

“Uh..um it usually lasts about an hour..”

“Okay I’ll meet you at the hospital later then okay?”

“Finn what are you going to do I don’t wa—“

He cut her off “don’t worry about me just go to your appointment and I’ll see you after, ya?”

“Finn..” Rae breathed out

“Just say, okay, Rae..”

“Okay, I’ll see you later..” she said softly

“See wasn’t so hard..”

She could hear him smile through the phone

“Thanks Finn” she said softly

“No problem Rae, see you later..”

“Later…” Rae whispered before she hung up the phone

Rae stood there collecting herself as her breathing calmed down the phone rang again

“H-hello..”

“Hi Rae, we will have to catch up later on, Finn wants me and the rest of the gang to meet at the chippy, he said he wanted to talk to us…so must be important if he actually wants to talk..”

“Ya must be..” Rae said believable as she could make it

“Ya, so we’ll talk later, babes”

“Okay talk to you later..” Rae hung up the phone and let out a huge sigh of relief

Rae walked back to her room and soon the realization of what Finn had done set in. The panic set in again again, fuck she thought, what was Finn going to talk to them about, she knew he would never say anything about her..right, but fuck she knew he wasn’t ready to talk about his nan with his friends, she started to breathe heavily, fuck, she basically pushed him into helping her, she should have just manned up and told Chloe, fuck everything is going to be so screwed up, he’s going to talk about his nan because of me and once that happens he realize I’m not worth the trouble and I’ll be all alone again…1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8..she didn’t even get to ten, she realized she was rubbing her hands against her thighs and relaxed remembering Finn telling her he noticed her anxious ticks, just thinking of him calmed her; She took a couple of deep breaths and by the time it was over she had to leave to make her appointment in time.

Finn had hung up the phone and immediately dialed Chloe, he told her to call the rest of the gang and to meet him at the chippy in 30 minutes. He hung up the phone and stood there for a moment thinking about what happened, it all happening so fast.

Gary rounded the corner from the lounge where he had heard everything

“What’s going on, Finn..” He said pulling his reading glasses off

Finn looked at his dad and shrugged “nothing..”

“Oh come on now don’t go back to this again, you know you can tell me..” he pushed

“Well, I called Rae and she said that Chloe, who by the way turns out to be her old best mate, was going to hers but Rae has to go to see her th-…she..she has to be somewhere and didn’t want to tell Chloe..”

“Right…” Gary said extending the vowel

“So I told her I would handle it, so long story short I’m meeting the gang at the chippy..”

“Finn, are you ready for that, I mean I know I was pressuring you but I don’t want you to do something before you’re ready, so if you…”

Finn cut his dad off “no, no I know its fine.I’m more worried about Rae than me..I can deal with the gang..”

Which is true, he didn’t know that she was seeing a therapist she hadn’t brought it up, so now when she just said it, he was was glad she’s getting help, but also worried knowing her past and if she would ever try something again and right now his mind couldn’t even register that, so he put her first with no hesitation.

“Finn..” his dad sighed

“You’re a very loyal friend, Rae is lucky to have you, I know you wouldn’t do this for anyone else..”

“I’m the lucky one” Finn whispered to himself, his dad didn’t even hear him

“Just..good luck I guess..let me know how it goes..and remember you don’t have to tell them more than you’re ready to..” and with that Gary put his glasses back on and made his way back to the lounge

Finn went upstairs to change quickly then made his way out the door headed toward the chippy. The walk seemed to flash by his mind running a million miles a minute worrying about Rae and now standing in front of the chippy worried about what he’d say to the gang. He took a deep breath and entered the chippy where the rest of the gang was waiting.

He was greeted by all of them with a hug as expected and they sat silent for a moment all eyes on him, when he finally made eye contact it was with Archie sighing.

“Look Finn, we’re all here for you if you need us just know that, whenever you’re ready okay..” Archie said, Izzy reaching across the table to hold Finns hand while the rest nodded in agreement at Archie’s statement.

Finn smiled at his group of friends, realizing he didn’t need to worry as much as he had been.

A beat passed and no one spoke but you can always count on Chop.

“So Chloe told us you know her old mate, May?” Chop said grinning

“Rae..” Finn breathed out as he smiled hopelessly

–

Rae sat nervously through her appointment worried about Finn and how he was dealing having to face the gang.

She made her way quickly through the hospital doors where she was greeted by Finn, who was leaning up against a pole, to say her breath hitched and her heart stopped at this glorious sight would be a true statement

Finn looked up at Rae through his lashes a shy smile play on his lips.

“Alright girl..” he says as he pushed off the pole

She shakes her head and smiles at him as they begin to walk, Finn glances at her and notices she is nibbling on her bottom lip.

“Rae what’s wrong” he says as he stops walking

Rae stops and turns to him unable to look at him she casts her gaze down

A moment passes before she speaks

“I..I feel horrible..I mean you didn’t have to do that for me, I know you weren’t ready to face your friends I should have just been brave and told Chloe..I don’t..I—“ feeling horrible she could hardly look at him

Finn cut her off “Rae its fine don’t worry about it..really eve-“

“No Finn, it’s not fine I practically forced you into it, I’m sorry, I was having a panic attack I should have stopped you..I’m just..I’m mad..” she said whispering at the end

“Don’t be mad at yourself Rae, I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to..” he said as he placed a hand on her shoulder

She looked up at him her eyes glistening with tears her lip bottom lip tucked tight under her teeth

“No, Finn that’s not exactly what I mean..” she said softly

“I mean I’m mad, I’m mental..” she began to nervously tug on her sleeve

“Rae, don’t say that you’re not mental..” he said softly

“I am Finn that’s why I have to go see a therapist all the time” she said as she flung her arm in the direction of the hospital

“Rae, you would only be mental if you weren’t getting help and you are..” he said desperately

“But I am, I’m crazy..I tried to hurt myself and I have these weird quirks, you know remember..”

“Well, if that’s the case then I’m mad too because according to you I like to study my hands” he says teasingly

She looks at him trying not to smile but she does small and rolls her eyes

“See, were all a little crazy but at least we realize it” he said pointing back and forth between them

Rae laughed “okay..” giving up

They set off walking nowhere in particular just letting their feet guide them, soon they found themselves being greeted by Beatrice

“So what happened at the chippy” Rae asked quietly as she picked up her tea and blew on it

Finn smiled as he set his cup down “it actually went really well..”

“Really..”

“Ya..they just said they were there for me when and if I ever need them” he smiled

“sounds like a good group of friends” she said with a hint of sadness in her voice

“Ya they are…and they’re excited to meet you” Finn said then took a sip of his tea quickly

“Ya what..” Rae said shocked

“meet me, why would they wanna do that” unbelieving of what Finn was saying

Finn laughed lightly “why wouldn’t they, you’re great..”

She blushed slightly at Finn “I don’t know..”

“Well, it’s up to you they said for us to meet them at the pub tomorrow, they’re pretty excited about meeting you..” he shrugged his shoulders and sipped his tea.

“They can’t be that excited..”

“Well..I may have talked you up a bit..” he said non-chalantly tipping his head to the side shrugging his shoulder

Rae smiled and her mouth dropped “what did you say?”

“Oh you know..just that you were cool and your music knowledge is pretty good..not as great as mine o’course” he said teasingly

Rae scoffed playfully and swatted at Finn who leaned back laughing

“Well, maybe but I suppose I should talk to Chloe first" her facial expression changing into one of worry as she chewed at her bottom lip, the truth was she didn’t know what she would tell her, would she plague her with questions about France, Rae knew fuck all about France.

“Rae, you don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want..” Finn said softly bringing her out of her thoughts

She sighed “I know..it’s just how long can I keep it a secret..”

“For as long as you need, Rae..and it’s not a secret, I mean you don’t need to be ashamed, it’s your health and that comes first..” Finn said softly as he leaned forward reaching for her hand across the table which she happily took

“Thanks Finn” she said as she squeezed hand, he flashed her that million watt smile that would surely be the death of her.

Finn walked Rae back to hers and she invited him in, they went up to her room where he riffled through her mix tape collection. Rae was explaining to him the different cover art she had drawn on the cases and what she was thinking at the time, soon they found themselves lying on her bedroom floor whispering to each other.

“Rae..”Finn whispered turning on his side to face her

She turned to look at him “hmm..”

“h..hows therapy.. does it work..I mean..” Finn asked nervously then immediately looked to his hand which was tugging on the pendant hanging around his neck.

Rae sighed “I guess..I guess it’s different for everyone..”

Finn looked up at her with a non-committal smile

“Its nice to talk about things..and come to different conclusions..”

“They told me to keep a diary and I do, it helps so I can work out everything I’m thinking..and also it helps me realize how far I’ve come..which is not much but it’s some..I think” she sighed

“Like when..um..I found out about Tix..I was devastated and I thought about…” her voice low as she trailed off and looked down as she rested her hand against her thigh

Finn saw her motion and instinctively grabbed her hand and held it, his shaking slightly waiting for her to continue.

She looked back to Finn who’s eyes were wide with worry “but I didn’t..” she said softly

“I just read my diary, and just relived the memories I had with Tix..wishing I could be strong for her..”

Finn nervously looked from the floor to Rae

“Have you..um..” Finn said quietly unsure on how to word it

Rae sighed “No, I haven’t, the last time was the night my mum found me..”

Finn squeezed her hand in which she squeezed back in return

They were quiet for a few moments

“Me dad wanted to put me in therapy when mum left and I became distant, I went to one session but I didn’t talk at all I just sat there, staring blankly..at my hands” he laughed humorously

“But sometimes I wonder if it would have helped…helped me not be the way I am I guess” he said whispering the last line

Rae smiled at him tugging on his hand so he would look at her “Well, I don’t know if it would have helped…but I think you’re pretty great the way you are”

Finn and Rae smiled holding each others gaze, Finn glanced at Rae’s lips and ever so slowly leaned in causing Rae to glance down at his..and the phone rang breaking them out of their trance.

Rae sat up and sighed quietly to herself and went to answer the phone in the hall. As soon as she left Finn flung himself back on the floor groaning in annoyance, she was right there he almost had it and the bleedin’ phone had to ring.

Rae came back in to see Finn was still on the floor his arm covering his face. Rae playfully kicked his foot to which he whined playfully, she told him that Chloe was on her way over. Finn sighed loudly as he stood up and Rae walked him down to the front door.

“Are you sure you don’t need me to stay, for like back up..” Finn pleaded

Rae smiled at his adorable gesture “No its okay..”

“what are you gonna do then” he sighed

A sly grin play on her lips “Well, someone once told me I don’t have to tell someone anything I don’t want to..”

Finn smiled that thousand watt smile again “Oh eh, sounds like a pretty smart person”

“Yeah, he’s alright..” Rae shrugged with a small smile

“Just alright!” Finn said pretending to be shocked and poking at her

Rae was laughing “alright, alright..he’s a really great friend”

Finn winced inwardly a bit at that god awful word, he smiled at her “that’s better” and opened his arms for a hug

She wrapped her arms around Finn, pulling out of the hug Finn smiled at her “good luck and I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Thanks, see you tomorrow” she smiled

She watched Finn walk down the drive before shutting the door where she promptly leaned against it sighing, thinking about what might have happened if Chloe hadn’t called, would he have kissed her, it looked like he wanted to kiss her, didn’t it?


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning Rae woke up to a drooling Chloe, she smiled to herself as she thought over their talk the previous night. Rae had decided to be upfront about not having been in France, she explained to Chloe that she would tell her when she was ready, she suspected Chloe could sense the vulnerability and nervousness in her so Chloe left it at that, reassuring her that she would be there when for her when she was ready. Rae was happy to have her friend back she needed people like Finn and Chloe in her life; Chloe began to ramble on about how she met the gang, but left the inevitable question until the end, asking if there was anything going on between Rae and Finn.

Rae thought for a moment, was there anything going on between her and Finn, they were mates yeah, but they connected on a much deeper level and just the way he looked at her, sometimes she could swear he felt more too, but she simply answered “we’re just mates” ;she has a suspicion that Chloe didn’t quite believe her.

 

She was brought out of her thoughts by the phone ringing she stood up and felt the ache in her body immediately, a result of sleeping on the floor.

“Hello..” she said as she yawned whilst stretching out her free arm

“Morning girl, so how did last night go with Chloe”

Rae smiled she could picture the face Finn was making “good morning Finn, last night was fine but she’s still here so we’ll talk later ok?”

Finn let out an sigh “alright then sounds good, gimme a ring or come round later and will hang out or do something’ ya?”

“Yeah, alright talk to you later..”

“Rae..”

“Ya..”

“I’m glad everything was fine last night, I guess I was just a bit worried” he sounded nervous

“Thanks Finn me too, but no need to worry your cute little head” Rae said sweetly

Finn let out an adorable chuckle “alright then, laters”

“bye Finn”

Rae hung up the phone cursing herself why do I say such twatish things, ‘no need to worry your cute little head’..ugh such an idiot!

Rae went back into the lounge where she found Chloe sitting with a grin on her face

“What?” Rae asked innocently

Her smile grew wider “Oh nothing, just wondering when you’re going to admit you’re more than friendly feelings for Finn..”

Rae furrowed her brows but had a small smile “I told you we’re just mates..” Rae shrugged sitting on the sofa next to Chloe whose was on the floor leaned against it.

“I don’t think so, I was there the other day when he was telling the gang about you..”Chloe trialed off teasingly

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him talk so much..”

Rae just smiled and shrugged her shoulders, what could she say to that, she could ask what he said about her but that would be awkward given she would most likely see him later and how would she be able to contain herself.

Finn hung up the phone and went back up to his room, he decided to shower and get ready for the day. He kept thinking about what Rae told Chloe and if everything really was fine, he didn’t sense any hesitation in Rae’s answer or anything that hinted otherwise in her voice, but he would feel better once he saw Rae and they talked about it.

After his shower he decided to make his way to see his Nan. As he entered the gates he felt a rush of sadness wash over him but it wasn’t as heavy as it had been.

“Hiya Nan..” Finn said as he sat next her headstone

“I really wish you were here so I could talk to you” he said softly as a tear escaped

“I wish you I could talk to you about Rae, I think you would really like her Nan..”

“She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met….” he trailed off softly

“You were right about other halves Nan, and she’s it for me..I can just feel it..” he smiled small as he looked out into the distance of the cemetery.

“I hope I do you proud Nan..” he whispered as he gently ran his hand over her headstone, another tear falling.

After Chloe and Rae picked up the lounge area and said goodbye Rae went upstairs to have a shower. When she was done she tried to walk past the mirror quickly but she got one step outside of the bathroom and turned back in taking in a deep breath.

She wiped the fogged mirror with her hand before casting her gaze at the reflection in front of her; she closed her eyes tightly to stop the tears from forming as she dropped her towel. It had been a very long time since she had looked at herself in this way, there were no scars and her stomach didn’t protrude so much.

She opened her eyes as she began to take in her body, slowly moving her hand across her stomach tensing slightly at the feel of her own hand on her bare skin, it was all she could handle, she turned off the light and picked up her towel wrapping it securely around her and walked to her room and got ready for the day.

She soon found herself walking through the gates of the cemetery.

“Hiya Fatty..” she said softly as she sat cross legged

“I really miss you Tix, I’m so sorry I didn’t go to your fu-funeral..” Rae cried as she wiped the tears away from her face

“I just felt like it was my fault and I know you would say otherwise..” she laughed humorlessly

“But I remember how you would calm down after I would sing to you and you would eat a bit..so don’t think I didn’t notice that..”

“I wish you were here so we could talk..I miss our talks” she said soflty

“I want be strong for you, I’m going to try to be strong for you Tix…for me..” she sighed

“…and Finn”

“I met Finn here…his nan passed..” she said quietly as another tear fell

“We’ve been consoling each other and talking, I mean really talking, I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone..”

“I told him that I used to sing to you and he told me his nan sang to him..” she smiled small

“I even told him about my dad..” she trailed off

“I think you would like him TIx”

“…I think I’m in love with him..but what does that matter..we’re just friends..”

After Rae said it she found herself not really believing the last part of what she said, that word ‘friends’ it just doesn’t seem to go well in the same sentence as ‘Finn’ he was her friend yes, but she thought the connection they shared ran much deeper than that of just friendship.

She kept saying friends over and over in her mind as she made her way to Finns house, she took a deep breath before she knocked on the door.

Before she had a chance to knock the door opened.

“Oh hi there love..’ Finns dad smiled widely at her

“Um..Hi Mr. Nelson, I’m R–..”

“Rae, yes, yes of course you are.. I’m so glad to meet you” he smiled at her fondly, he was finally meeting the girl his son is infatuated with.

“Ya-yes that’s me..nice to meet you as well” she smiled sheepishly

“I have to go..but I just want you to know I’m happy Finn has you..I’ve seen a change in him and I’d like to think that’s your doing..” he smiled and pulled her into a hug

Rae smiled slightly embarrassed as Gary hugged her unable to say anything having been caught off guard

As he left and she went in the house, he turned shouting back “by the way the names Gary” she smiled as she shut the door

Rae smiled to herself as she made her way upstairs, when she got to the top she could hear music coming from Finns room, a song she didn’t recognize as she walked slowly closer she noticed his door open just a few inches and she realized it was him, he was sat on the edge of his bed strumming a guitar. She smiled to herself feeling honored to have been able to hear his playing. She could stand there and listen to him play all day, the song he was playing sent shivers down her spine, there were no words but the music spoke to her.

He stopped playing and she noticed him turn slightly and write something down, she decided now was a good time to let him know she was there.

She pushed open the door as Finn still had his head down looking over what he just wrote.

“Dad I thought you were leaving..I told you Rae mi–..” he stopped when he looked up to see Rae standing in his door way smiling at him

“Well, Gary did leave and I am here..so..” Rae said happily and shrugged as she walked in to his room

“Oh no..what did he say?” he asked as he set his guitar down and then stood meeting Rae half way

She laughed some and non-chalantly said “nothing much” tilting her head

“Don’t be like that Rae” he said teasingly

“Tell me what he said” Finn smiled and started to poke at her

She laughed playfully swatting away “first you tell me why you didn’t say you play” she said as she nodded in the direction of his guitar.

Finn smiled nervously and looked down to his hands rubbing them together then looked back to his guitar behind him.

When he turned back Rae made her way around him to sit on his bed, he stood in front of her nervously holding onto his left arm with his right unsure of if he should put his guitar away.

He looked at Rae who was smiling at tenderly and he decided to sit next to her.

She was waiting for him to speak “Well, I hadn’t played in a few months and I guess…I dunno the subject hadn’t come up yet..” he trailed off turning to look at Rae

“You play beautifully Finn, what were you playing, I didn’t know it..”

“Erm..well..I was..I kind of..I wrote it..” he turned away bashfully

“Really?!” Rae said excitedly, God she thought this boy is killing her

Finn shook his head timidly

“Will you play for me, I didn’t hear that much” she said slightly embarrassed

Finn looked at her with tight lipped grin and then picked up his guitar

He looked from his guitar to Rae’s affectionate smile as began to strum, never braking eye contact.

As Finn played she felt tears pricking but she held it together, clearly this song had been written for a reason, for someone, about someone, as he played the last few chords she had this overwhelming urge to kiss him bust she restrained herself.

They sat in silence a moment when Finn stopped, lost in each other’s eyes undoubtly wondering if the other was thinking the same thing, Finn sat his guitar down and turned back to Rae who brought him into a tight hug, in which he sighed in happiness relaxing into.

“That was beautiful Finn” she whispered into the crook of is neck

“You think so..” he said quietly

She nodded her head into him

“I wrote it for my nan..” he sighed and she hugged him tighter

“She would have loved it Finn” she squeezed him and rubbed his back

They pulled apart both with glistening eyes and awkwardly laughed

“Right..so what did my dad tell you then” Finn smiled and wiped his left eye

Rae snorted a laugh shaking her head “don’t try to change the subject Finnley” she said pointing at him

His face fell some but quickly returned to smile “what’s wrong Finn?” worried she had done something

“Nothing..it’s..it’s just my nan is the only other person to ever call me Finnley” he smiled

“Oh Finn I’m so s—“ Rae made to apologize but Finn cut her off

Finn grabbed her hand and smiled “don’t be..I like it”

Rae smiled sheepishly at him ducking her head “Well, your dad just told me it was nice to finally meet me..that’s about it” she shrugged

“How’d it go with Chloe then” Finn asked he still had hold of her hand

“It was fine, I told her I wasn’t in France and that I would tell her where I was when I was ready and she seemed fine with it..then she just told me about the gang and such..”

“Well, I’ll be there when you tell her if you want” Finn smiled as he squeezed her hand

“Finn, you’re too good to me..” she said softly

Finn shook his head “don’t be daft I..I L-..I’m your friend..I’m here for you girl, you know that”

“Yeah I know..and I’m here for you too” she smiled as she squeezed his hand, they held each other’s gaze for a few moments before Finn cleared his throat nervously

“So what do you say pub or just us” he smiled

“Yeah, pub lets go” Rae smiled as she stood up releasing his hand

Finn decided to take the scooter knowing that he would not be drinking that much and he didn’t’ even know if Rae drank come to think of it.

Finn was putting on Rae’s helmet for her and he was finding it increasingly difficult to not just lean in and kiss her. He stepped back to look at her “do I look like a knob” she asked, Finn just shook his head no “come on” he said as he patted the seat “hold on tight”

As he drove off Rae held him tighter and he couldn’t be more ecstatic, the feel of the wind in his face and his girl holding him tight, well not his girl yet, but soon he hoped; he thought about back in his room when he almost said I love you, he couldn’t help it, those words just seem to flow smoothly when she’s around.

As they made their way to the entrance of the pub Finn could sense Rae’s nervousness

“You ready” he asked

She shook her head and smiled, he grabbed her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as he opened the door and they entered the pub.

As they entered the pub Rae had a tight grip on Finn’s hand and he couldn’t be happier, well happy that she was holding his hand.

He introduced Rae to the rest of the gang and she was greeted with “nice to meet you” and “we’ve heard so much about you” Rae felt more at ease.

She sat down next to Chloe, Finn sitting next to Rae. She fell easily into conversation with Izzy and Chloe chatting about all things girly, although she wasn’t much of a girly girl.

Chop was telling Archie and Finn about playing football soon, then it was time for another round. Finn turned to Rae and asked her if she would like anything and she just said “water’s fine, I’m not much of a drinker” she smiled he nodded as he reluctantly let go of her hand to make his way with Archie to the bar.

“Rae’s really great Finn” Archie said as they approached the bar

Finn smiled “Yeah, she is” he glanced back at her over his shoulder she was talking to Chop

“So anything going on there”

Finn sighed placing his hands on the bar leaning forward “no..well..not yet, but I hope soon”

“You clearly like her so what’s the problem” Archie asked

“I just..I do really like her Arch, but I don’t wanna mess this up..she’s well..she’s been through a lot and I think I need to take it slow…plus I’m not sure if she likes me in that way”

“Don’t worry mate, it’ll work out..” Archie said clapping him on the shoulder

“You think” Finn glanced at Archie

“Oh yeah, even though I just met her I can tell, you both have the same smile for each other, like she has a Finn smile and you have a Rae smile” Archie said then made his way back to the table with drinks

“She has a Finn smile” Finn repeated to himself smiling, he turned and grabbed the other drinks making his way to the table.

“What’s going on here” Finn asked Chop

“Raemundo here is trying to tell me that Wonderwall tops Champagne Supernova” Chop said leaning across the table pointing at Rae who was laughing

“Oh no” Finn said

“What” Rae asked

“Chop has an unhealthy obsession with Supernova” Finn said teasingly

“Mate you know it’s my jam” Chop pointed at him, and Finn playfully swatted him away

“All I’m saying is Wonderwall is the one that gives me chills” Rae said closing her eyes and smiling

“Finn” Chop said looking at him for an answer

Finn just smiled at Chop then looked to Rae

“Oh you are both mental” Chop said sitting back in his chair

“Okay, okay how about we have a vote but let’s play both songs first, do they have it on the juke box here?” Rae asked

“Yeah they do” Finn nodded reaching in to his pocket for a few pence.

Finn and Rae went over to the juke box where they played Champagne Supernova first.

“So you having a good time” Finn asked as they stand next to the juke box

“Yeah I am, they’re great” she sighed happily

Finn smiled at her and was about to ask her what else she had done that day when a drunk guy stumbled over to the juke box sloshing some of his drink on Rae.

“Hey watch what you’re doing” Finn said sternly as Rae stepped aside looking at the beer down the front of her shirt.

“It were an accident, if that girl wouldn’t take up so much room it wouldn’t have got on her” the man said drunkenly

Finns jaw clenched and his fists balled “what did you just say” he spat angrily

“you know she’s big s—“ Finns fist connected with the guys jaw and he hit the floor and was out cold

Rae gasped standing in complete shock at what had just happened Chloe and Izzy running to her side as Chop and Archie admired Finns job well done.

Finn turned to see “Rae with tears her eyes, Chloe and Izzy pulling her to the bathroom to clean her up.

“Fucking hell Finn” Chop smiled gripping Finn’s shoulder

“What happened?” Archie asked from beside Chop

“Prick said something about Rae” he said pissed off

“Well looks like he won’t be talking for a bit” Chop said laughing

“yeah, I think this his tooth” Archie said, all three looked down and he kicked it across the floor

Rae came back for the bathroom and Finn walked slowly up to her

“Rae I’m —“ but he didn’t finish because she wrapped him up into a hug.

“Take me home Finn” she whispered

He shook his head and grabbed her hand and nodded to the gang as they left. Both were quiet as they entered Rae’s house and still as they sat on her bed. Finn wasn’t sure what to say, he didn’t know if she was upset at him for hitting the twat or because of what the idiot had said or both.

“Rae, look I’m sorry if I upset you because I hit that prick, but I wasn’t about to let him get away with talking about you” he breathed out, then bringing himself to look at her he found her smiling small

“No Finn it’s not that..it’s just, no one had taken the piss since I’ve been home, I’m an idiot to think that it would have stayed that way, I should be used to it but it still gets to me” she sighed

“Rae, what are you talking about, you don’t need to get used to it, people shouldn’t be saying things like that its fucking bullshit” Finn was trying hard not to get angry

“Finn, people will always be saying things about me..it’s just a fact” she said loudly but not wanting to argue

“No Rae they’re going to stop” he said sternly

“What are you going to do Finn, hit everyone who makes a snide remark”

“Yes!” he said loudly as if it was obvious

She hung her head shaking it as tears were forming

“I..Finn..I’m not worth it..” she said softly

Finns demeanor change instantly, his face softened and his fists unballed as he looked at her, he took her hand in his and spoke softly “Rae, you are worth it..no one deserves to be treated that way, especially you, you are an amazing person, the best person I know..so don’t tell me you’re not worth it because you are.”

Finn lifted his free hand to Rae guiding her head up so she would look at him, he smiled small at her his eyes glistening, it hurt him that she couldn’t believe how wonderful she was.

“Please don’t cry Rae” he said softly

Finn scooted closer to her and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before smoothing away a falling tear with his thumb. He smiled small at her as his hand caressed her cheek, this was it he had to do it, and it was time she knew. His lips inched closer to hers slowly allowing her the chance to back away but she didn’t. His lips collided with hers and he let out a small sigh of relief, it was better than he could have ever imagined, he wrapped his arms around her bringing her as close to him as possible, she ran her arms around his back one hand running through his hair.

They pulled apart sighing touching foreheads, Finn smiled at her as he ran his hand down the side of her face.

“Finn….”


	9. Chapter 9

“…you don’t have to kiss me because you feel sorry for me” she sighed as she leaned back staring down at her lap. 

 

Finn furrowed his brows his heart breaking for her, he brought his hand up to her face guiding it up so she would look at him “Rae..look at me please” he whispered as his thumb stroked her cheek, she turned her tear filled eyes to him and he smiled softly at her. 

 

“I’m not kissing you because I feel sorry for you..I’m kissing you because I want to” he gave her a small reassuring smile, a single tear fell from her eye and he gently smoothed it away with his thumb, smiling small at each other Finn leaned in to kiss her once more, it was a short kiss as Rae had pulled away. 

 

The realization hit Finn that maybe she didn’t actually want him to kiss her, that maybe she didn’t see him that way, Rae stood up walking over to her desk facing away from Finn. 

 

“R-Rae I’m sorry..I just..I” Finn couldn’t get the words out, he was trying his best to hold back his own tears. 

 

“Finn..” she said so small he wasn’t sure if he heard her or just imagined it, he didn’t say anything he just waited for her to continue. 

 

“Why did you kiss me” she finally turned around to face him as she stood with her hands together in front of her, her head hung low, its not like she didn’t want to kiss him because lord knows she did, but she needed to hear why, she didn’t want to be pitied, especially not by him. 

 

Finn wiped his eyes as he looked up at her “because I wanted to” because I love you and I want to be with you..could it be that simple for him just to say all these things out loud. 

 

She sighed “but why” she pressed her voice a little bit firmer 

 

He cleared his throat as he stood to walk over to her, he unlocked her hands from in front of her and turned her right palm facing up, her head still hung low. 

 

As he lifted her hand up with his left he began to lightly trace circles on to the inside of her hand, he could feel her hand begin to shake, she finally brought her head up to look at him where she found him smiling, as their eyes locked he traced a heart on her palm causing her pinky and ring finger to twitch. 

 

He brought her palm up slowly placing a gentle kiss in the center never breaking eye contact, she sheepishly smiled at him. This was it, the moment had come he needed to tell her but his mouth refused to move, his index finger however happily obliged, he traced out his declaration in the center of her palm, as she watched him carefully.. 

 

She realized he was spelling something I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U 

 

When he was done tracing out his confession he laced their hands together placing a kiss on the back of her hand, she took in a deep shuddering breath as Finn leaned in to kiss her once more, she sighed turning her head as tears began to roll down her cheeks, Finn sighed their foreheads now resting against one another. 

 

“Why” she whispered 

“Because I do..I..I love you..” he looked up to find her looking down 

 

“I’m broken..” she sniffed back her tears, she had hoped he felt the same way about her as she did him, but why would he she thought, I’m mental, but if he meant it she needed to hear why. 

 

Finn smiled pulling his head back releasing her hand and bring both his hands up to hold her face so she would look at him, she didn’t look at him right away, he caressed her tear stained cheek with his thumb and she finally brought her gaze to him. 

 

“I’m broken too..” he sighed as a tear fell from his eye 

 

“But Rae, when I’m with you..I feel whole, I don’t feel numb or empty, I feel like all the things in past like with my mum don’t affect me when I’m with you, because the feelings you give me over power them, you make feel warm and tingly inside like I could burst with happiness..I never knew I could feel this way..like my nan said.. you’re my other half..” he caressed her face pushing her hair behind her ear. 

 

“Finn..” she said as she began to cry leaning into his hand 

 

“I feel the same way..when I’m with you.. I almost forget that I’m sick…but that’s the thing I’m still sick..what if I never get b-better’ she sobbed 

 

“Rae, being sick doesn’t define who you are, yes, its apart of you but you are not your illness, your kind, loving, loyal, you’re the strongest person I know, you’re beautiful inside and out..and you have ok music knowledge..” he smirked at her saying the last part 

 

She scoffed small smiling at him but her face changing back into its sulking state quickly “do you mean it” she whispered unable to look him in the eye 

 

“More than anything” he brought her face up to look at him finding a look of pure adoration and love in his eyes, she sighed happily and hugged him. 

 

They lay down on her bed together, they had done this many times but this was much more intimate as they were trying to navigate the shift in their relationship. Rae sighed as she leaned in closer to Finns chest, her head resting just beneath his shoulder while his right arm lay across her waist his hand tracing small circles on her lower back. 

 

“Finn.” She whispered 

 

“Mhmm” he answered in return 

 

“I really do feel the same way..when I’m with you..I.. I feel like my life has meaning, and like you said I don’t feel numb or empty like something is missing, I feel..complete” 

 

Finn pulled her closer to him smiling “two broken halves make a whole, eh…” 

 

She smirked and laughed small “even though that was a bit on the cheesy side, I still…” She trailed off after realizing where she was going 

 

He pulled back to look at her face, she looked up at him bashfully and glanced back down “still what” he asked his voice barely audible. 

 

She looked back to him her eyes glistening “love you..I love you” she smiled as a tear fell 

 

Finn smiled at her, tears filling his eyes with happiness “well, that’s a relief” he chuckled 

 

Finn leaned down towards her, Rae meeting him more than half way closing the distance between them, as the kiss deepened Finn shifted so he was laying partially on top of Rae his right leg resting between her legs. A few minutes later Rae pulled away in need of air smiling at Finn, she brushed his fringe to the side and slowly drug her hand down the side of his face bringing her thumb to run across his kiss swollen lips, both completely lost in each other’s eyes sharing a secret conversation, one only they speak the language of, one of pure adoration, hope and love, knowing that in spite of everything, they are truly lucky to have found each other, to have found the person that completes them, the person they’re meant for, their other half. 

 

“What are you thinking about” Finn whispered softly as he smoothed back Rae’s hair placing a kiss on her cheek. 

 

“Honestly..” she breathed out “I’m just happy..I never thought I would feel this way, I mean like truly and completely happy, not just happy for a minute until reality comes back and slaps me in the face, I’m just happy, this is my reality now..I still have a lot of things to work through like with Tix and my illness and like you said its apart of me..but this happy feeling over powers the sad dark feelings..does that make sense” she looked at Finn curiously her eyes searching his 

 

Finn smiled at her nodding his head “yeah it does, I feel the same, it’s like with me mum and me nan, it still hurts and it probably always will but the feelings I have for you, the feeling of being with you just makes me feel complete..there’s no other way to put it..I just..after spending time with you and getting to know you, knowing you understand me, I mean truly understand me, it just makes me realize how much I love you and the way you make me feel trumps all of the bad feelings..” he inhaled deeply having spoken so much then sighing in happiness. 

 

Rae smiled at him but her brows furrowing for a moment as she thought “Finn, it doesn’t make us selfish does it, to be happy, I mean because we both lost someone special to us and are still grieving over them and I miss Tix I always will and I still feel like I could have done something, but a bigger part of me is happy because I have you, so is that selfish” she looked to Finn worriedly 

 

“Rae, the very fact that you think that means you are not selfish, it’s okay to allow yourself to be happy.. what would Tix think” he asked they both began to sit up against the head board. 

 

Rae smiled small her eyes glistening with tears “I th-think she would want me to be happy” she said trying not to cry 

 

“Well, there you go then” Finn smiled 

 

“I’m beginning to think my Nan and The Beatles were on to something” he laughed as he turned to face Rae. 

 

“What do you mean” she turned her body to face his 

 

“Remember I told you Nan would sing me Hey Jude and I asked her why..” Rae nodded her head for him to continue 

 

“In the song it says take a sad song and make it better..” Finn sung, Rae smiled as he did 

 

“and then the part that goes let it out and let in…don’t carry the world upon your shoulders” 

 

“ I think we just have to find the good in the bad and we just need to let out how we feel so we can let others in and when we do it makes everything better..” ..”I didn’t think I would ever be able to tell anyone about my mum or why I was so close with my nan but here you are knowing everything..and honestly I feel relieved not having to carry so much bullshit around about me mum..that I was able to share it with someone” he smiled at Rae, she pulled him into a hug as a tear rolled off her face. 

 

“I wish I could have known your Nan” Rae whispered into the crook of Finns neck 

 

“Me too, she would have liked you..and Tix from the sound of it” he smiled into her temple 

 

Rae snorted a small laugh pulling back wiping her tears “could you imagine..probably would have been nothing but listening to and talking about The Beatles” 

 

Finn smiled “probably, but you would have loved it” 

 

“Yeah I would’ve, but you too?” 

 

“Definitely” 

 

Rae and Finn found themselves lying back down wrapped in each other’s arms, Finn tracing shapes on her hand that rest on his chest. 

 

“Do you believe in heaven” Rae whispered 

 

Finn sighed as he traced over her hand “before I don’t think I ever really thought about it, not even when.. you know..” he trailed off Rae nodding understanding him 

 

“But now.. I guess its nice to believe that Nan is up there watching down or doing whatever angels do” he said 

 

Rae smiled at him “I never really thought about it either, Tix believed though, it’s nice to think they are up there at peace watching over us” 

 

“Well, Nan was quite the talker so maybe not everyone’s at peace” Finn laughed remembering his Nan and how much she loved to bang on. 

 

Rae chuckled small before her face turned a bit serious “You know your Nan passed only a few days before Tix, if they are up there do you think they planned this..I mean us” Rae looked up at Finn 

 

He smiled at her “I don’t know maybe..” he thought for a moment “actually, I think no matter what the situation we were meant to be together, that we would have found each other eventually.” 

 

“Why” she looked up at Finn 

 

“Well, even if Tix were alive or nan was alive or they both were alive and we didn’t meet at the cemetery we would have met somewhere else, but it might have taken us a bit longer to get to where we are now” he laced his fingers with hers smiling at her adoringly at her. 

 

“How else would we have met” Rae asked curiously 

 

“Chloe” they said in unison Rae realizing quickly the other connection 

 

“Right Chloe, we are both her mates we would have been introduced eventually” 

 

“Why would it have taken us longer to get to where we are now then” Rae asked puzzled by that comment because she knew almost immediately she liked Finn, he was gentle, sweet and caring, he was special. 

 

“Remember I told you I kind of had a reputation as being a quiet grumpy sod” Rae nodded remembering “..so if we would have met under those circumstances I probably would have not really paid much attention to you..at first” he said sadly knowing how moody he could get 

 

Rae looked at him her brows furrowed in question “now I would have definitely come around eventually because you, well are you..but I had put up a wall and didn’t let anyone see the real me, I probably would have just been a bit of a dick to you like not really ever talking to you and just giving one word answers” Finn explained his past behavior, that’s what he did with most new people until he got a feel for them and even then he was still very closed off. 

 

“You think” Rae asked surprised at his answer 

 

Finn nodded his head “I would have come around eventually though like I said” 

 

Rae thought for a moment “If that was the case then how do you know I would have liked you” 

 

“Because I can tell you with complete certainty that you would have been able to see the real me, the guy behind the stiff closed off exterior, I think you’re pretty good at reading people and would have seen through it” he smiled at Rae in complete honesty “in fact I think you would have liked me before I realized I liked you” 

 

Rae smiled at him inching closer “Maybe, you are pretty special..and kind, gentle and caring, I’m sure I would have figured it out sooner rather than later” she placed a kiss on his chest 

 

“Anyway you look at it Rae we were meant to find each other..to be together” placing his hand under her chin guiding her face up to him he kissed her softly 

 

The lay in silence happy just to be with each other “oh hell, Rae it’s after one in the morning” Finn says as he looks at the clock on her bed side table then glancing back down to Rae and she sighs 

 

“Does that mean you have to leave” she looks up at him longingly hoping he doesn’t say yes. 

 

He smiles at her and scoots his body further down the bed “No, I’m not going anywhere” they both turned on to their sides facing each other, Finn draping his arm over her waist to pull her closer as they kiss goodnight. 

 

Its days like this where you can see the glimmer of light at the end of a dark tunnel, a day where you finally allowed yourself to believe you could be whole; you just had to let out the dark to let the light shine through.


	10. Chapter 10

Rae woke first the next morning, as her eyes fluttered open and she was face to face with a sleeping Finn, her Finn, she smiled to herself as she watched him sleep, the light of the morning sun streaming down illuminating his angelic face, allowing her to notice how his eyebrow twitched a little, the faint freckles the dance across his face, a scar on his right cheek, a scar that she had yet to notice. She studied the scar and wondered how she had missed it before, she slowly brought her hand up to his cheek lightly dragging her finger along the length of it, Finn shifted some as she did this but soon sighed in content and pulled her closer.

Deciding that she liked when he held her closer she lightly touched his scar again, this elicited a smile from Finn.

“Don’t think I don’t know you’re watching me” Finn mumbled his eyes still closed

 

Rae laughed small “how did you know” she asked while she continued to stroke his scar

Finn smiled opening his eyes “because I’ve been awake longer than you” he flashed her a cheeky grin

Rae playfully pinched his cheek in response causing Finn to pout, she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips mumbling “don’t pout, you look like a sad puppy” against them

Finn laughed as he brought his hand to the back of her head to deepen the kiss, they pulled apart sighing in happiness, Finn stroked her cheek with his thumb “who are you calling a sad puppy now” he grinned at her

“You’re right, more like a hungry wolf” she chuckled as he pulled her back in again

“Good morning” Finn whispered as they parted

“Good morning” Rae whispered back as she pushed his fringe aside bringing her hand down to caress the side of his face

He kisses her gently once more and pulls her close, her head tucked underneath his chin. “I was 13 me and Archie were down by Rutlands messing around and climbing up these huge rocks that used to be there, I was trying to jump to the next rock but I got distracted..I heard someone call out a name, Ella, that’s my mums name and I lost my footing and fell, busted up me arm pretty good but my face needed stitches.” He sighed, Rae placed a kiss on his jaw

“How is your hand by the way?” Rae asked remembering last night

“I’ll live” he smiled at her looking at his hand holding her hip

“Thanks by the way, my knight and shining armor” she smiled and playfully rested the back of her hand on her forehead

Finn chuckled “anyone would have done the same”

“No they wouldn’t” she said small

Finn leaned down and kissed her, he had no problem hitting some prick for Rae, she deserved better, just because she doesn’t look like all the other girls around doesn’t mean she isn’t beautiful because lord knows Finn thinks she is devastatingly beautiful and would happily spend the rest of his life proving it to her.

After they pulled apart Rae asked “So what’s going to happen today” she pulled back looking up at Finn

“What do you mean like what are we doing today?’ he asked not sure of what she meant

“Well, that and also what are we going to tell people..about us I mean” she looked down for a moment

“I’m pretty sure people will get the gist when they see us holding hands and I kiss you whenever I want” he smiled “so that’s that, and for what we are going to do today I’ll do whatever you wanna do” he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

Rae smiled and nudged him with her shoulder “Well, for starters how about a bacon sandwich” she looked up at him

Finn sat up in bed quickly “food sounds good I’m starving” he rolled over top of her pecking her quickly before he stood up “but first I gotta pee”

Rae laughed as she got up and made her way down into the kitchen, she began to cook the bacon and was pouring them some orange juice.

Finn came down the stairs and could hear Rae humming in the kitchen he smiled to himself but before he rounded the corner to enter the kitchen he stopped as she began to sing, he didn’t recognize the lyrics but the melody sounded very familiar. He thought about it for a moment but couldn’t quite place it.

“You have a beautiful voice Rae” he said as he walked into the kitchen Rae turning around her face turning pink.

He smiled walking over to her “don’t be embarrassed, I like it” he gave her a hug

“No one ever heard me sing before just Tix” she said into his shoulder, Finn smiled knowing he was awake when she sang him Hey Jude

“Well..” Finn said drawing it out

She pulled out of the hug looking quizzically at him “I may have been awake while you sang Hey Jude to me”

“Finn!” she said as she playfully swatted at him

“What..it’s not my fault you thought I was asleep and besides I love that you sang to me..I love you” he tried to pull her back into a hug, a smile breaking across her face

“I’m not mad..just why didn’t you say anything at the time”

“Because I wanted to hear you sing and I know you would have stopped if I would have said ‘hey Rae I’m still awake but please continue’” he said in a playful voice

She chuckled into his shoulder “yeah, you’re probably right”

They pulled out of the hug Rae needing to check the bacon, they sat down eating their bacon sandwich sipping on orange juice when Finn realized where he had heard that melody before, she was singing to the song he had wrote for his nan, but with her own lyrics.

Finn thought about the lyrics she was singing but wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly and was contemplating whether or not to ask her about them; he had been working on lyrics to put to the music but didn’t have much, he wanted the song to be simple something from him to his nan.

“Rae..” he said almost inaudible, unsure of how to put the question he wanted to ask

“Yeah..” she looked at him unaware of what he would say, but his face worried her

“Um..that song you were singing..the lyrics.. those are your lyrics right?” he asked finally able to look her in the eye once he was finished.

Rae shifted a bit, what she was singing was never intended to be lyrics for a song, she just wrote it in an apology note to Tix the day she found out she passed away, she had only come across the passage a few days ago, then when she heard the song Finn played it just stuck in her head.

“Erm..yeah but they’re not really lyrics..it was just something I wrote down about how I was feeling.. about Tix..” Rae trailed off looking at Finn wondering where this was going.

“Oh, well you know how I wrote that song for my nan,..I have some lyrics but do you think you would wanna help me write it and it could be a song about my nan and Tix..” Finn looked at her apprehensively

Rae smiled knowing that he knows she was singing it to the melody of his song “Yeah, I think that would be nice..”

“Really?”

“Yeah of course, I think that would be great” she smiled reaching across the table for his hand,

“Maybe, if you want we could sing it as a duet..I would really like that..and it could be a song from us to them..you know to show how much we miss them” he squeezed her hand in hope she would agree

“I dunno about singing Finn..” she looked away shyly

“How about we write the song first then we can see about singing it after..” he tugged on her hand causing her to smile

She looked up at him bashfully “okay..sounds alright”

“Great.. guess we know what we are doing today then” he smiled at her as he took his last bite of his sandwich

Soon after they kissed goodbye, she would be meeting him at his house later after they both had a shower and got ready for the day. Rae was a little bit nervous about singing a duet with him, but she loved the idea of writing a song with Finn. She wasn’t sure what type of a song it would be but she was looking forward to find out what lyrics Finn had come up with.

As Finn made his way into the house he was hurrying to go upstairs but as he rounded the corner at the top he nearly bumped into his dad.

“Hey kid, what’s the rush” Gary asked as he jumped out of the way before Finn knocked him over

“Nothing, Rae’s coming over in a bit just need to shower and stuff” he said hurriedly

Gary smiled at him “oh, and how are things going in that department”

This elicited a huge grin from Finn, he blushed slightly “really good, we’re together now…we love each other”

Gary’s eyebrows went up in in shock he smiled at Finn “you love each other”

“Yeah dad we told each other last night after some twat said something about her and I hit him..”

“You what..” he asked incredulously, He knew Finn could get mad but would never hit anyone unless it was absolutely warranted

“I don’t want to relive it but yeah I decked the prick..” Finn said as he rubbed the back of his neck

“Wow…now, I’m going to tell you something and I know what you’re going to say but just here me out yeah..” Finn rolled his eyes thinking ‘oh no hear it comes’

“Now, I’m glad you have Rae and that she makes you happy..but if you break her heart Finn so help me God I wi—“

“Whoa whoa..dad..first, that is not where I thought you were going with this and second I’m not going to break her heart, I told you I love her and she loves me.” Finn said still a bit caught off guard by what his dad was saying

“Alright, but just so you know I have no problem ‘decking’ you if you do something to hurt her” he roughly patted Finn on the shoulder before passing him to make his way down stairs.

Finn turned and watched his dad and when he got about half way down the stairs he called out for him

“Dad..”

Gary turned around “yeah..”

“Why did..I mean why are you protective of Rae..” it was an odd question to be asking his dad but he wanted to know.

Gary smiled “because Finn, I talked to her for a brief moment when she came round to see you and although she didn’t say much, I could tell that she’s suffered a lot of pain in her young life, now I don’t know the extent of it but I could tell it’s there and I can also tell you that you have the same effect on her as she does you..”

“You could tell all that..” Finn asked unbelieving of what he was saying

“That’s thing about parents Finn, we can just read kids..it’s a special power” he smiled at his son turning to walk downstairs

Finn stood at the top of the stairs for a moment smiling, happy that his dad understood and didn’t try to give him the ‘oh you are too young to know what love and it’s too soon’ spiel other parents would have given.

An hour later Finn and Rae were heading up the stairs to his room, before they got down to business, they got down to business.

Finn and Rae pulled apart panting as he held Rae flush against him she whispered “I could get used to that” and smiled sighing in content

Finn smirked at her “well, we have all the time in the world for it” he leaned in placing a soft kiss on her lips

Finally breaking apart Rae looked around his room, she had been in there before but never really had the opportunity to take it all in, it was just, Finn. He had records stacked in various places around, some football gear lying here and there, his band posters on the wall many the same as hers, she noticed a small framed picture of him and his nan on his dresser.

“She’s beautiful, Finn” Rae turned to him holding up the picture

Finn smiled as he walked over to Rae looking at the photo “that was on my 12th birthday..right before she shoved my face in the cake” he laughed as he ran his hand along the photo

Rae laughed “did she really do that?“ 

“Yep, and let me tell you colored icing stains, I had a faded green forehead for two days after that” he laughed small, Rae could tell he was picturing that day on his mind as his smile grew bigger

“I really miss her” he sighed before putting the picture back down

Rae hugged him and kissed him on the cheek “how about you tell her all things you want to say in this song we’re going to write”

Finn smiled at Rae grateful that she understands there were so many things left unsaid between him and his Nan

Finn and Rae sat on his bed as he pulled out his notebook that had his drabbles in it. He let Rae flip through the pages and watched her facial expressions as she read the entries.

He was slightly embarrassed but thought his sad attempts at writing were funny..

“Finn this is really good..how come you never completed any, they’re all half-finished” she looked at him baffled, clearly he had a talent for this, but never completed any songs

Finn shrugged as he flipped through the pages “I dunno..I guess I would get the first few lines down then I would just get stuck”

He turned to the page that had notes about the song he was writing for his Nan on it.

“This is lovely Finn, maybe just need to..let me see a pen” she told him as she was looking at the various scribbled on the page

“Here what about if you move this part before this” she showed him and he smiled, and hummed it

“Yeah, I like that it works” he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek

“Alright, now grab your guitar and let’s see how it sounds”

He played the song and softly sang the arrangement, deciding it was right Rae jotted it down. They discussed the song and decided they didn’t want too many lyrics, really just enough to get their feelings across.

They sat for a few hours tossing lyrics back and forth when they finally decided to take a break and walk down to the café.

They walked into the café holding hands joking and laughing as Beatrice greeted them “Well, hello there you two” she smiled as they walked up to the counter

“Hi” they said in unison smiling brightly at her

“The usual” she said they nodded to her and she turned to get their tea.

Finn and Rae stood at the counter chatting back and forth about the song.

Beatrice turned around to see them still standing “hey what did I tell you two last time”

“We know we just wanted to wait is all” Finn said thinking she would believe that

“Now hear you me, I told you I’m perfectly capable of carrying a few tea cups..I’ll let you off this one time but don’t do it again, or you really get it from me my friend” she set the tea cups down on the counter pointing between Rae and Finn her face breaking into a smile.

They shook their heads mumbling “alright alright” they chuckled as they grabbed their tea and went to sit down.

Thy sipped their tea silently for a few moments happy to be in each other’s company.

“What” Rae asked when she notice how Finn was looking at her

“I love you” Finn said looking her directly in the eyes

She smiled bashfully her cheeks tinged with a faint pink color as she ducked her head and brought her shoulders up she play fully rolled her eyes “well, that’s good..because I love you”

Finn couldn’t help but lean across the table Rae meeting him halfway for a chaste kiss.

“So anymore thoughts on if you wanna sing the song with me” Finn asked Rae as he sat back down

“I dunno Finn, I mean, it’s just for us to hear only..right ” she asked, if it was just them she would sing with him but she was self-conscious enough as it is she didn’t want to perform the song.

“Well, I kinda had planned to write it and play it for my Nan, ya know, at the cemetery” he looked away shyly

“Finn that’s such a lovely gesture..and..I would love to sing with you..” she was nervous but this was for Finns nan and Tix, a way of expressing all the pent up emotion surrounding their deaths, maybe it would be a good release.

They sat discussing lyric arrangements; they wanted it to be a simple song, to let out how they feel, Rae deciding that because Finn was writing the song for his nan, that she would only have a small part even though Finn fought her on the idea.

“Finn..you wrote it for your nan..I’m fine with just singing my one part” she sighed

“But we’re doing this together..your helping me it wouldn’t be right..” he tried to reason with her

“Finn, really its fine honest, I’m happy with my part, it’ll be great..now we just need to figure out a chorus” She told him and pushed the notebook over to him

He sighed deciding to do what she wanted to do “alright but you will be backing me on some of my parts though” he cheekily smiled at her

She rolled her eyes “of course I will Finnley” she grinned at him

They sat for a little while longer and knew where they were headed next.

“I didn’t hurt you that day I bumped into you did I?” Finn asked as they approached the cemetery

She looked over at him smiling small “no, you didn’t” she squeezed his hand

“I was a mess that day, hadn’t been out of my room for a week” he looked down then up a to the gates of the cemetery.

“I know what you mean I only let the house for therapy then it was right back to my room” she sighed

“So Tix liked daisies?” he asked remembering they both had a bunch that day

“Yeah she thought they looked friendly” she laughed small

Finn looked at her smiling in a bit of shock “Nan thought the same thing, how funny”

“Yeah it is..” Rae said as they entered the gates taking the path to visit Tix

Finn and Rae sat down as a tear escaped down her cheek

“Hiya Tix, I want you to meet someone special” she looked over to Finn who was smiling at her his eyes glistening

“This is Finn..”


	11. Chapter 11

Finn smiled as Rae spoke to Tix, telling her how about him and Rae, about Kester about the gang, everything. He listened as she explained how he helped her, that he showed her that she could be loved even though she was mad and fat. Finn didn’t like that she saw herself that way because he saw her as beautiful, strong, and brave; he would happily spend every day telling her these things until one day when she would fully believe him and then spend the rest of the following days telling her knowing she believed him.

“…and so that’s how we decided to write a song” She sighed as she brushed her hand over Tix’s name. “I really miss you Tix”

“I can’t wait for you to hear it Tix, I hope you like it” she looked over smiling small at Finn he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m sure she would love it..” Finn smiled then got lost in thought for a moment

“What are you thinking about” Rae asked leaning against his shoulder

He thought about how to answer for a moment “well, I..I was thinking that..you might not want to and that’s okay but, ya know..” he looked out across the cemetery “what if we have like a one of those candle light memorial things..because well you missed Tix’s funeral” he said softly knowing it was sensitive “and we could invite other people, you know and we can dedicate the song to Nan and Tix and to anyone else who lost someone close to them..” he looked away shyly not sure how Rae would respond

Rae looked across the cemetery noting how expansive it was and a few other people visiting lost loved ones “I think it’s a nice idea Finn, but we would have to really, I mean really practice..so we don’t mess it up..”

“Are you sure you want to do this Rae..I don’t want you to think you have too” he searched her face for any sign she was unsure

“No, I want to I think I owe it to Tix and I think it would be a nice gesture to her and your Nan and I think maybe I will invite Mrs. Dewhurst she had a husband here” she looked to the open space

“Well, then we better get moving on writing this song then..” he smiled pulling her into hug

They sat for a few moments a small breeze in the air “Come on girl, let me introduce you to someone special” he smiled standing up holding his hand out for Rae

Finn walked up to his Nan with a smile on his face “hiya Nan” he said as he and Rae sat

“This is Rae..the girl I told you about, I got her just like I said I would” he smiled squeezing Rae’s hand.

Rae smiled adoringly at Finn as he talked to his Nan, as he told her about them, their story, about how she was right about finding your other half. In that moment she realized how much she truly loved and adored him; he was strong and brave, he didn’t have to help her that day she had therapy and yet he did, that’s love she guessed, putting someone else’s needs before your own.

“..any way Nan I hope you’re proud of me” he smile looking over at Rae

Rae glanced down at Finn’s hand as he smoothed his hand over his Nan’s name “you know what Rae, Nan and Tix have the same little quote..” he looked up at Rae “huh..that’s interesting” she said as she glanced back down, it was the same exact quote only Finns nans was written in script.

As Finn and Rae walked back towards her house she saw Mrs. Dewhurst looking out her window, she looked over at Finn who offered her a small smile, she tugged on his hand as they walked over to Mrs. Dewhurst’s.

“Are you sure you want me here for this Rae, I can wait outside..” Finn wanted to make sure that Rae was okay with him being here, he wanted to be there for her but it was a sensitive subject and he didn’t want to make Rae feel uncomfortable in any way.

“Yeah, it’s fine I want you here” she squeezed his hand smiling at him as Mrs. Dewhurst opened the door.

“Hi, Mrs. Dewhurst” she said softly

“Hiya Rae love..how are you..oh please do come in” she opened the door further for her and Finn to enter, they sat in the lounge

“So tell me how you’re are doing” she smiled at Rae glancing at Finn

“I’m doing better..” Rae squeezed Finns hand knowing would have to thank her soon

“I’m glad to hear it and who is this young man” she smiled raising an eyebrow

Rae smiled fondly at Finn him smiling back at her “this is Finn…my boyfriend” Finn beamed at hearing her say those words it was the first time either of them had said it out loud and it just sounded right.

“Nice to meet you Finn, I hope you are taking good care of Rae..” she smiled but her voice a bit stern

“Nice to meet you as well and don’t worry I am” he smiled between Rae and Mrs. Dewhurst

“Mrs. Dehurst..I..I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner I just wasn’t sure what to say, I guess just Thank you, Thank you for calling my mum that night..I honestly don’t think I would be here if you didn’t” she spoke softly as Finn squeezed her hand

A tear rolled down Rae’s cheek as Mrs. Dewhurst spoke “oh Rae, I’m so sorry I had to make that phone call that you suffered the way you did, that you felt you had no other way out..” she sighed softly

“How did you know something was wrong” Rae asked

“Well, I had been watching you for a while, I saw how those three boys on the bikes would often harass you in the street and you just looked so sad all the time like there was no life in you, my husband’s sister had a daughter who was like that and she didn’t survive it..” she said softly as Rae and Finn both had tears in their eyes

“What happened to her” Rae whispered

“Well, she overdosed on pills..and by the time she was found it was too late” she explained,

“it was her mother who found her, it was very tragic, could you imagine finding your child lifeless..I don’t think she thought about who would find her she just wanted to escape” She wanted to be truth full with Rae

“That night I had hoped I wasn’t too late when I called your mum, I knew something was off was when you turned your light off, it was only once and not eight as you normally did, and I just knew I had to call your mum to check on you..”

“I’m glad she found you in time..” she trailed off

Rae was crying “I don’t know what I could do to ever r-repay you” Rae never thought about her mum finding her, she just did it, she didn’t know that Mrs. Dewhurst paid attention to her like that but she was grateful for her

“Just be better Rae, your mum told me that you were getting help and I was pleased to hear it” she smiled faintly

“I..I am getting better” she choked back

By this point Finn had his arm around Rae’s waist holding on to her tightly

“Glad to hear it and may I also add how sorry I was to hear about your friend” she said softly Rae stood and went to hug Mrs. Dewhurst

As they said their goodbyes Rae turned to Mrs. Dewhurst wiping her tears “by the way Finn and me are having a sort of memorial for people who have lost loved ones, we are singing a song dedicating it to them, we’re not sure when it will be but would you like to come?” she smiled as she stood on the door step

“I would love to come” she hugged Rae once more before shutting the door.

Finn and Rae walked to her house silently making their way to her bedroom.

“Rae..” Finn said softly as he sat on the bed, she kicked off her shoes

“I know you..” he looked away nervously “… can I see..I mean if you want..”

Rae knew this day way would come, where he would see her scars, but she never thought he would willingly ask to see them, but this was Finn she knew better.

Rae nodded her head, she stood about a foot in front of Finn, she unbuttoned her skirt and slid it off, she slowly pulled of her leggings stepping out of them, Finn keeping his gaze on hers the entire time, she was standing in front of him with just her top and knickers on, she took a deep breath as she watched Finns eyes travel down her body to her thighs.

He looked carefully at her scars noticing some were longer than others, that some were darker in color; he traced his finger over one and looked up at Rae her eyes closed as tears filled his feeling her shudder.

He reached out to her pulling her closer to him by her hips, he traced over her scars lightly before leaning in placing a soft kiss on the longest one. He felt her hand squeeze his shoulder in reaction, he knew she would be self-conscious about it but he needed to let her know that she didn’t need to be, that she was strong and these scars are just reminders that she survived.

He pulled her down to sit next to him touching foreheads as she sobbed a sigh, Finn tilted her chin up kissing her wrapping their arms around each other, as the kiss deepened they laid back on her bed, Finn tracing words along her thighs, words like beautiful, strong, brave, survivor, I love you 

Finn sighed as he and Rae pulled apart her head now resting on his chest

“I love you” he whispered

She nuzzled in closer to him tracing the same words across his chest, he gathered her hand in his gently squeezing it.

A few moments past “Rae when does your mum get home” Finn asked suddenly

“Tomorrow I think why” she looked up at him

“I just heard a car door” he looked down at her worried she had no leggings or jeans on what if her mum was here and walked in on them

Rae jumped up and looked out the window “bloody hell it is her and Karim” Finn sat up as she pulled on her leggings, she decided if it was best just to open her room door and act like they were listening to music rather than run downstairs.

Rae and Finn could hear footsteps coming up the stairs and soon her mum stepped in her room as Rae sat on her bed and Finn stood flicking through her mix tapes.

“Hi Rae, hi Finn” she said happily not suspecting anything

“Hiya mum how was your trip” Rae asked glancing at Finn

“Hi Mrs. Earl” Finn said looking over at Linda a tape in his hand

“My trip was wonderful but my name is Mrs. Bouchtat now, Finn” she smiled

Finn smiled awkwardly and turned around to look at Rae in the other direction and Rae’s eyes were wide in shock her mouth slightly opened.

“You got married” She asked incredulously

“Yeah we did, we will tell you all about it at dinner, you staying Finn” she looked over at Finn he wanted to say yes immediately but he looked to Rae first and she nodded

“Yes, Mrs. E-Bouchtat thank you” he smiled

Finn sat next down to Rae when Linda left, he held her hand as she had yet to say anything “Rae are you alright” she just nodded her head

“I can’t bloody believed she got married” she looked at Finn in shock

“It’ll be okay Rae don’t worry” he pulled her into a hug rubbing her back

Rae pulled out of the hug looking at Finn “thanks for everything..for earlier for, staying for dinner..I honestly don’t know how I would have handled all that on my own”

“You don’t need to thank me Rae, I’ll always be here for you” he smiled

Rae leaned in kissing him

“Rae by the wa-“ Linda stopped when she saw Finn and Rae they pulled apart quickly

“What’s going on here” she asked looking between Finn and Rae

Rae looked at Finn with an apologetic look knowing ‘the talk’ was probably coming.

“I uh..we..” Rae fumbled

“I’m Rae’s boyfriend now Mrs. Bouchtat” he said nervously but smiled at Rae who was beaming at him saying it out loud

“Rae..” she said looking for confirmation

“Yeah mum he is” she held Finns hand

“Well, we best discuss this situation at dinner and keep this door open” she looked between them with a watchful eye

Rae fell back on her bed giggling “what” Finn asked

“This has been someday huh” she laughed, Finn just shook his head smiling at her

“So what’s going to happen at dinner” Finn asked

“I’m embarrassed to even think about it..I just..” she trailed off

“just what” he rubbed her leg

“I wish you didn’t have to leave, I thought we would have one more night” she sighed

“Oh don’t worry, I was planning on sneaking back in your window later” he winked at her

She sat up and kissed him “good”

Rae sighed loudly when she heard her mum call her down stairs to set the table before the food arrived. “This is going to be fun” she said sarcastically as she pulled Finn by the hand.


	12. Chapter 12

During dinner Linda told Rae and Finn about the trip and her and Karims plans to have the marriage blessed and hold a party to celebrate soon. Rae knew that the time had now come for Linda to give them ‘the talk’.

“Now what’s going on with you two” Linda asked looking between Finn and Rae while Karim was just watching

“What do you mean” Rae asked because she knew they were boyfriend girlfriend she just found out about it an hour before.

“Well, how did all of this happen” she peered at them

 

Rae looked to Finn silently questioning him, Finn gave small smile and a nod

“Mum, I met Finn at the cemetery, while I was visiting Tix and he was..” she trailed off dropping her hand to his giving it a gentle squeeze “..he was visiting his Nan”

Linda’s concerened face turned to one of sorrow “and we got to talking about how we felt and we just connected, we understand each other, we actually have a lot in common and I feel happy with him..for the first time in a long time I feel better” Rae turned and gave Finn a small smile he gently squeezed her hand

“Rae I..I’m happy but you’re…” she gives her a wary look and glanced at Finn “you’re still fragile” she emphasized

“Mum, Finn knows all about that” she tried her best to suppress and eye roll at her mother’s choice wording

Linda looked a little shock “I’m just worried Rae, I don’t want you to move too fast and connecting with someone over grief sometimes is just that and nothing else..”

“Mum, I told you we have a lot more in common than you might think..that may be what first connected us but it’s not the only thing connecting us now..” she pleaded with her mum, it’s not like she could reveal everything about Finn to her.

“I..I just..” Linda trailed off, Karim reached for her hand in support

“Mrs. Bouchtat if I may..” Finn spoke softly giving Rae a small smile

“I know you might think this is to soon or out of order but…I love your daughter..” he paused at Linda’s sharp intake of breath

“And you may say that we are too young and it’s too soon to know what love is but, Rae and I have experienced a lot in our in our young lives and we understand each other, I think in a way it takes most years to get too and I know her being ill concerns you with this matter..” he motioned between him and Rae

“But I can assure you that I want nothing but the best for Rae and will be there to help and support her in any way I can..” he looked to Rae smiling her eyes were a bit glossy

Linda thought about everything Finn said and she couldn’t deny the way they looked at each other that there were deep feelings between them but still she was worried for her only daughter she had been through so much she doesn’t want any setbacks. Linda looked to Karim who smiled small at her and nodded his head gently squeezing her hand.

Linda looked back to Finn and Rae “I just want the best for you Rae and I don’t want you rushing in to anything too soon; I can see that you share deep feelings for each other and I’m pleased that Finn is understanding and supportive of you but just know that there will be rules..”

Rae and Finn nodded understanding and waited for her to continue “Now whatever happened here while I was away will not be happening now that I’m back”

“Mum nothing happe-“

“Rae you are both teenagers I’m not daft now when Finn is here I expect your bedroom door to be open at all times and he is not allowed to spend the night and you are not allowed to spend the night at his and there will be a curfew when you’re out together”

“And I hope you two are being safe beca-“

“MUM!” Rae shouted embarrassed

“I just don’t want any grandchildren yet Rae”

Rae smacked her forehead with her left hand and groaned and Finn just let out a small chuckle

“Okay mum can we be excused now” she stood up pulling Finn up with her

Rae started to pull Finn away “keep that door open” they heard Linda yell behind them

Rae groaned as she fell back on her bed “sorry about that”

Finn sat next to her rubbing her leg “I though it went alright..could have been much worse”

“I suppose you’re right but don’t doubt her yet she’s probably just in the honeymoon phase” Rae rolled her eyes

“Well, let’s enjoy it while we can” Finn leaned down giving her a quick kiss

Rae sat up and held Finns hand in hers “Finn, I just want to say..about what you told my mum” she looked away for a moment

“I just..I hope you know I’m here for you in whatever way you need, to support and comfort you and I..I love you” she squeezed his hand gently

He brought his right hand up to her face stroking her cheek “I know you’re here for me Rae” he kissed her gently

Rae rested their foreheads together “I mean it Finn..I know we’ve been spending a lot of time dealing with the stuff I have going on.. I just want to make sure how you are and that you know you can talk to me about anything”

“Rae, your stuff is my stuff now and I’ll be there for you as long as you let me and I know I can talk to you when I need to and I promise I will alright” he stroked her cheek

“Alright’ she whispered as he hugged her

“What time is it” Rae asked as she pulled out of Finns hug

Finn looked at his watch “half eight..do you think I will have to leave soon”

“Don’t know really..but you’re going to sneak back in right” she searched his face with hope

“I really want to but I think just for tonight maybe I shouldn’t in case your mum is on high alert, ya know”

Rae sighed “yeah, I suppose you’re right, until she kicks you out what do you wanna do” she smiled scrunching up her nose at him

He chuckled “maybe we co—‘

Finn stopped talking when they heard Linda giggling coming up the stairs and he looked at Rae

“Oh no” she said as she put her palm to her forehead

She quickly jumped up catching her mum and Karim before they went into the master suite

“Mum I’m going to Finns what time do I need to be home” she said quickly

“Because it the summer holiday I expect you to be home before midnight” Linda said as she pushed Karim into the room

“Okay thanks mum” Rae shouted as Linda shut the door

She turned around to Finn standing against the archway of her door “yep, honeymoon phase, now let’s go”

Finn shook his head laughing as he flicked off Rae’s bedroom light then followed her down stairs.

They took their time walking to Finns house it was warm night and the sky was dimly lit.

“So have you talked to anyone of your friends since that night” Rae asked as they walk slowly swinging their locked hands a bit

“No, but Archie knows I’ll give him a ring soon and that I’m spending time with you” he smiled at her

“Have you talked to Chloe” he looked over at her

She sighed “no, I told her when I was ready I would let her know what’s going on and she’s respecting that, ya know”

Finn nodded

“But..” Rae trailed off

“what” Finn looked over at her and slowed down their walking even more

Rae thought a moment about her wording “what do you think…I mean like how do you think the gang will take you and me..ya know being together”

“I mean Chloe had asked me if something was going on when she spent the night, but I told her that we were just friends…I mean I had hoped you felt more, and she was adamant that there was more between us…” Rae looked away shyly after she finished her little ramble

Finn chuckled a bit “Rae, I think they will be fine with it and even if they weren’t, what they think doesn’t matter to me”

“Yeah, but they’re your friends”

“Yeah, but they can’t tell me who I can and can’t fancy, that’s mine, that belongs to me and besides Archie kind of already knows..sorta”

“What does that mean”

“Well, at the pub he asked if there was anything going on with us and I told him no but I hoped there would be because I really like you..so it’s safe to say that they will all be fine with it and as for Chop and Izzy, they will both be happy about it”

“Alright then” she smiled as they picked up there pace a bit more

When they got to the drive of Finns house Rae asked “did you tell your dad”

“Yeah, he knows, well he know basically everything” Finn looked to Rae to check he reaction

“you’ve been talking to your dad more” she smiled at him

“Yeah and that’s because of you” he kissed her on the cheek

Rae playfully rolled her eyes “I’m glad you’re talking to him”

As they walked into Finns house his dad met them in passing

“Hello there Rae” he smiled noticing her and Finn holding hands

“Hi Mr.. I mean Gary” Rae smiled blushing slightly knowing that Finn told his dad about them

“What are you two up to tonight” Gary looked between Finn and Rae, normally he wouldn’t really question Finn on what he was doing but seeing as Finn was serious about Rae he wanted to know.

Rae looked to Finn for him to answer because they hadn’t discussed what they would be doing, even though it was probably just listen to music or work on the song.

“Just some music stuff dad” Finn said trying to pull Rae around Gary

“Alright, well behave you too and it’s so nice to see you again Rae” he shouted up the stairs at them

“You too Gary” Rae shouted back

When they got into Finns room Rae scrunched up her face “did I just tell your dad to behave himself” Finn started to laugh “I’m sure he knows what you meant”

Rae shook her head “yeah, alright”

Finn pulled out his journal and a pen and sat down scribbling something

“Finn what are you doing” Rae sat down beside him looking over his shoulder

“I just wanted to write this down before I forget it” he turned the journal around to show Rae

“You wanna use this in the song” she looked up surprised 

“Yeah what do you think” he smiled waiting for an answer

“I think it’s brilliant..I wonder why I didn’t think of it” she frowned playfully

Finn laughed and kissed her on the cheek “maybe next time, girl”

Rae rolled her eyes at him “right grab that guitar and let’s see how it sounds”

Finn strummed the guitar as he and Rae softly sang

“Finn its perfect” she sighed

“I know” he said smugly

Rae pushed him a bit “really, are you sure you like it” he asked in all seriousness

“Yeah Finn, I love it”

Finn and Rae practiced the song for a while longer practicing singing it at different paces and messing about with some of the lyrics.

It was half eleven when Finn walked Rae home, he kissed her goodnight and told her he would see her tomorrow.

Finn stood outside her house and watched as her bedroom light turned on he smiled to himself the entire walk home.

“Goodnight?” he heard as he shut his front door

He sighed happily as he walked over and sat in the armchair next to his dad “yep goodnight”

“I heard you two singing up there sounded pretty good” Gary said as he folded up his newspaper

Finn shook his head but didn’t meet his dads eyes

“You working on a song for your nan”

“Yeah and for Rae’s friend Tix”

“A good friend of hers then” Gary sighed sadly

“Best friend” Finn said softly

“You guys are quite the pair” Gary shook his head

“That we are, I met her mum earlier” Finn finally looked up at Gary

“How did that go” he leaned forward a bit intrigued 

“It was alright..but I think she was in the honeymoon phase, well that’s what Rae called it, she just got married so she wasn’t too hard on us even though she caught us kissing”

“I’m surprised”

“I was too but she just set some rules, you know standard, keeping the door open, no spending the night, curfew..”

Gary smiled cunningly “maybe I should adopt some of those rules”

Finn glared sharply at his dad “I’m only kidding son, I trust you to be responsible and I trust th-“

“Don’t, her mum said the same thing, no grandkids I got it” Finn held up his hand

“Well, just be safe and all that”

“Dad, this is very uncomfortable to talk about with you but to ease your mind, when the time comes I promise we will be safe, alright” Finn said looking over at a fake potted plant in the corner, there was no way he could look his dad in the eye to tell him that.

“Alright I trust you”

Finn stood up “okay good and by the way I don’t know when but the song me and Rae were singing we are going to hold a candle light memorial for Nan and Tix and dedicate it to them and basically anyone who lost a loved one, Rae uh..she couldn’t make it to Tix’s funeral so I thought you know this would be a nice way for her to make it up to Tix..” Finn said a bit nervous

“Wow, Finn I’m not even sure what to say” Gary stood

“Yeah well, just ya know, you can come if you want” Finn chanced a look at his dad

Gary pulled him into a hug “your nan would love that Finn, she would be so proud of you”

Finn could hear the crack in his dads voice “yeah” Finn sighed

“Alright alright” Finn said after a moment “I’m going to bed” pulling out of the hug

Gary chuckled as he watched Finn take the stairs two at a time, he went back into the lounge and put on Abbey Road, his mother’s favorite album, reminiscing about the time before Finn met Rae, a time where he could hardly get a complete sentence out of him, a time where he thought Finns favorite word was s’pose, its seemed like such a long time ago


	13. Chapter 13

Two weeks had gone by, Finn and Rae spent every day together, not always alone sometimes they were with the gang like right now they were in the pub waiting for the gang to arrive.

Finn and Rae practiced the song they wrote every day to make sure it was perfect, they would be holding the small memorial service the following Saturday evening. Finn and Rae decided that they would like to invite their friends to come, the gang knew about Finns nan but did not know about Tix. Rae thought it was time to reveal where she really was, and although she should talk to Chloe about it in private, she felt it would be easier for her to just tell the gang at once and she wanted Finn there with her; she had dealt with so much on her own that it was nice to have someone by her side.

“Are you nervous” Finn asked as he held on to Rae’s hand

 

“A little” she said, barely audible

“It’ll be okay, but if you don’t want to tell them you don’t have to” he smiled reassuringly at her

Rae turned her head, her eyes glistening with tears, she gave him a small smile “ I know, but I want to”

“Whatever you want Rae” he leaned in a gave her quick kiss on the cheek

She blushed slightly, as she saw Chloe walking in, Archie close behind followed by Chop and Izzy.

Chloe walked over to Finn and Rae “What’s going on here” she asked as she sat down across from Finn

“What do you mean” Finn asked

“You look like a couple” she smiled cheekily and winked at Rae

Finn chuckled as Rae smiled and rolled her eyes.

“Right, so what’s going on” Archie asked as he sat next to Chloe, Izzy by Archie and Chop at the head of the table next to Rae.

Finn looked to Rae and gave her hand a gentle squeeze “Well, you guys know about nan…and I had sort of written a song for her, as a sort of thank you to her for everything she had done for me because… I had a rough time when my mum left and she was there for me..” Finn paused needing to rest for a moment, Rae tightening her grip on his hand, as the gangs faces were a bit stunned at what Finn revealed.

“..and so Rae helped me with the song and we wrote lyrics to the music I had and we are dedicating to Nan…and her friend Tix as well.. we are performing next Saturday and want you guys to come..” he looked over at Rae, The gang was in a bit of shock, waiting patiently for one of them to elaborate.

Rae looked over at Chloe who was seemed very confused “Tix, was my friend..my best friend..in the hospital” Rae said softly as a tear ran down her face

Finn leaned into her whispering so no one else could hear “you’re strong” when he pulled back he saw the gangs faces confused on what just transpired.

Rae gave Finn a small smile and took a deep breath, “I was never in France..”

“I was in a mental home..because I kept trying to hurt myself and one night I went too far” she tried not to cry but the tears seemed to flow freely.

“Rae..” Chloe said in question, her eyes also filled with tears along with Izzy’s

“I met Tix..there and we became friends and well, she didn’t survive her illness” Rae wiped away her tears with her free hand.

It was silent for a moment as Finn comforted Rae the gang looked on not sure what to say.

Rae smiled weakly at the gang after pulling out of Finns embrace

“Raemundo..” Chop said softly

She looked to Chop “I fuckin’ love you, just know that alright” he leaned over gripping her in a bear tight hug

She chuckled into the hug “Chop you’re hurting me”

“Oi! Chop back off my girlfriend you have your own” Finn said playfully

Rae shifted in her seat looking at the rest of the gang “Rae, we may not have known you that long but Chops right, we love you and the gang changed for the better since you came along” Archie said

Rae smiled at him as Izzy reached across the table for Rae’s hand “We love you Rae” she said with tear filled eyes

Rae smiled at her, then everyone seemed to look to Chloe at the same time, whose expression had not changed from when Rae first spoke.

“Rae, can I speak to you alone please” Chloe finally mumbled.

Rae nodded and stood up, her and Chloe made their way outside to the beer garden.

When they reached the table Rae spoke first “Chloe, I’m sor-“ she was cut off by Chloe’s hug

“Why?” Chloe sobbed, unable to understand what made her oldest friend do something like that

“I was, I am ill, everything just built up..school, my dad, the voices in my head..” Rae sighed

“Rae, I’m sorry I was a shit best friend, that I left you all alone and this happened” Chloe cried

“Chloe..” Rae sighed through her tears

“If I was there I would have been able to help you” Chloe sobbed

“Chloe, let’s not dwell and what could have been..what’s important is that I’m getting better” Rae sighed.

“I’ll be there for you if anything like this happens again, Rae, I won’t leave you” Chloe squeezed Rae tighter

“Finn..” Chloe said pulling out of the hug 

“Finn?” Rae said in question

“He’s helping you?” Chloe asked as she delicately wiped her tears so not to mess up her makeup.

“Yeah, Finns helped a lot..but you and the gang help me too in different ways” Rae smiled wiping away her tears

“I told you, you guys were more than friends” Chloe laughed

Rae blushed bashfully, “I’ve seen how he is with you, he really loves you, y’know” Chloe said

“I know” Rae smiled, blushing slightly

“So have you guys, y’know..” Chloe said wiggling her eyebrows

“Chloe!” Rae shouted then started to laugh

“I expect details when it happens Rae” she pointed at her

“Whatever” Rae smirked rolling her eyes

Chloe and Rae made their way back into the pub laughing, Finn stood up meeting Rae asking her a silent question, “everything’s alright” she smiled then kissed him on the cheek, but she couldn’t help but think about what Chloe had told her.

The gang chatted back and forth for a few hours, Rae telling them some stories about Tix and her, it was nearing 8 and Finn wrote G-O? on Rae’s thigh, she turned to him smiling and nodded. They made their excuses to the gang hearing an earful of cat calls and whistles.

As Finn and Rae walked into the cool night, a comfortable silence fell over them, they held each other’s hands stealing glances and sharing small smiles with one another “my house or yours” Finn asked

“Um..mine..” she said softly. 

She had revealed a lot to him the night she confessed about being in a mental home, but after Chloe mentioned she would be there for her if she gets bad again, Rae thought about the day at the pub when that guy said something about her size, and how those old feelings came back, she knew full well that there will always be someone commenting on her, trying to bring her down, but she had forgot for a little while, thanks to Finn. She had told him that night, the night he told her he loved her that people will always be taking the piss, and now knowing that she could get bad again, she needed Finn to know what it was like for her, what it could be like if it happened again. Even though she knew he loved her, she didn’t love herself enough yet, it was something she was still working on and she was progressing, thanks to him, and although she loved him and he her, those feelings she has towards herself run deep and will take a long time to overcome but she would try for Finn.

They greeted her Mum and Karim on the sofa when they entered the house, Linda told Finn he had to be out by eleven, he smiled and nodded.

“Rae, you’ve been quiet, is everything alright?” Finn came up beside her his hand on her lower back.

“Mmhm” she hummed

“Rae, something’s wrong tell me” he stood in front of her

“I was just thinking about something Chloe told me” she sighed

“What did she say” he looked at her worried

“Just that she could see that you love me” she finally brought her gaze to his

Finn sighed smiling “scared me for a minute” he chuckled

“Well, I’m glad people notice how in love with you I am” he pushed a piece of her hair back

She smiled small and he pressed his lips to hers, the kiss was chaste “Finn..” Rae whispered as their foreheads rested against each other

“She also told me how she would be there for me if things get bad again and so..”

“I want you to read my diary” she looked at him her eyes unable to focus so she pulled away

“What..why..I don’t need to” Finn said confused

“I just think you need too, please” she pleaded softly

“Why though, Rae..” Finn furrowed his brows his voice hitching

“Because of what Chloe said about if I get bad again..you know I’ll always struggle with this illness its apart of me we discussed that..I guess I just want you to know what you’re in for..if it does happen…” she sighed, she wasn’t explaining it correctly.

“What I’m in for..” Finn furrowed his brows in question

“Ugh..I’m saying it wrong..I just want you to read it so you know what happened and what could happen if I get bad..” Rae said irritated at herself, on the verge of tears.

“Do you think you would..would….” Finn couldn’t say it, the words refused to come out, as his eyes filled with tears

“I honestly don’t know, but what I do know is that right now, with you I’m the happiest I’v ever been…” she said, realizing how upset he was becoming thinking about her possibly hurting herself.

“Okay..but please don’t think that, you’re getting me into something..I don’t like how that sounds, like you’re making me, I’m here and I’m in this..” he motioned between them “because I love you and nothing will make me love you any less..got it?” he said searching her eyes.

“Yeah” she gave him a small smile

“Okay then I will read it, I love you, girl” he smiled pulling her into a hug

“I love you, too” she sighed nuzzling into the crook of his neck

They pulled out of the hug wiping their eyes, Rae turned to her desk opening the bottom drawer

“Here” she said as she turned around, pushing her diary to Finns chest.

“What..now” he said as his fingers gripped the binding

“Go home, take your time reading it..” she waited for him to take hold of it

“Alright, girl” Finn said, then pulled her in to a hug.

“I’m sorry I ruined our night” she gripped him tight bunching up his shirt.

“You didn’t, its fine, we are fine” he assured her, he pulled out of the hug

“I’ll see you later, yeah” He looked at her his hand gently cupping her face

“Yeah..” she sighed, Finn pressed his lips to hers pouring all his love into it, his heart soaring when she reciprocated.

–

When Finn got to his house he trudged up the stairs, he flicked on his light sighing as he kicked off his boots. He sat down on his bed her diary sitting next to him, he rubbed his hands over his face, and he looked over to the diary picking it up after a moment. He held it in his hands lightly knowing how heart wrenching it was going to be, but she loved him and trusted him to let him know this part of her, so he opened it and began to read.

It started when she was in the mental home, she explained that they wanted her to keep the diary to help her sort out her thoughts, that it was for her and no one would read it. Finn read page after page, each plagued with hateful words and cruel thoughts about herself..the kids in school would always take the piss…after a while I started to get used to it, sometimes it did still get to me, but that just meant a few extra biscuits or cuts, there was no point in arguing the truth, that’s saying something isn’t it, I wonder if they would be happy to know they were right, to know I am a certified nut case, I even have the white walled room and a hospital band to prove it..Finn didn’t even realize he had started crying, he couldn’t understand how people could be so cruel, they didn’t even know her.

Finn kept reading even though at times he found it difficult to breathe, his tears stained the pages of her diary as he read, he wondered if she cried as she wrote these words, and now the tears, past and present would forever bind them to one another. Finn knew he was barely breaking through the surface of what Rae went through, that this had been going on long before she began this diary. She talked about her therapy sessions as well, she didn’t talk much during them, she seemed to answer the questions in her diary today he wanted to talk about cutting..there’s not much to say, he said sometimes people cut to have control over, or others do it as release or are punishing themselves, but for me it’s like an itch you can’t scratch, you cut until you feel something…anything, I had felt nothing for so long I needed to feel something, I felt that first cut, but none of the ones following, then, THAT day, 8 cuts later I felt something, I felt myself becoming lightheaded, slowly slipping out of the world, away from the people who wanted me gone..who said I was nothing, away from myself, that saying ‘you are your own worst enemy’ has never been truer, I was worse than the people who shouted at me calling me names, I was worse because I agreed with them, I never contradicted them or did anything to stop it, I had no one to tell me otherwise, I was all alone, and fully believed I was what they said I was, a useless unwanted blob…and the fact that I still believe that I’m nothing, says how mad I really am, but at least I realize it. 

Finn couldn’t believe that Rae had felt this way about herself, she had told him there was a variety of reasons why she did what she did, but she couldn’t pin point just one, he knew it had to do with being bullied, her dad leaving, and not having friends, but she had failed to mention she was on the forefront of the reasons why, that she allowed herself to actually believe what people said about her, because it’s one thing to just think it and it’s a whole other thing to truly believe something that horrible.

As Finn continued to read, he got to Tix, I met a girl named Tixie today, she’s seems nice, quiet though. A small smile appeared on Finns lips as he read about Tix, Rae detailing different events and how much Tix rambled on about The Beatles and how they would sit in the bathroom talking for hours. Today was not a good day, Tix had a break down when someone accidently brushed her, and she started screaming, I had never seen her that way before, the only thing I could think to do was grab her hand..I lead her back to her room ..Tix lay on her floor curled in a ball staring into space as I sang to her, I hope it helped..it’s not much, but it’s something..

Tix’s outburst got me thinking, when it happened everyone knew something was wrong, that she was broken in some way….because they could see it..maybe I had to break myself on the outside, to show I was broken on the inside, maybe that’s why I did it…still though there really is no definitive reason I could give as to why I did it, to why I cut so deep that night.. it was just something that happened…it’s funny how you can feel nothing and everything all at once..I felt alone, abandoned, empty, useless,…funny thing is, is that all those words can be used to describe nothingness, but feeling nothing means you must feel something right? 

Finn continued to read, it nearing one in the morning, he had taken a few breaks when he would read particularly bad parts, but he wanted to read it through in one go. He had gotten to the part where she was being released…I’m scared to go out there again..what if I can’t make it, what if I do something stupid again…

The next passage was short, Finn knew that this was about Tix, Rae had told him she wrote it the day she found out she died, it was the part they added to the song.

There was a large gap in between entries from the day Tix died to the next date. Finn knew it was from around when they met. I haven’t known him for that long but I feel as if I could tell him anything, his name diary, is Finn. We met at the cemetery a few days ago, he was visiting his Nan, he told to me that she was his best friend, so I understand how he feels. He told me all about his Nan, she seemed like a lovely lady, I’m glad Finn had someone like that in his life…especially after what he has been through..I think he is strong…

Today I told him what happened to me, that I did something stupid, and he didn’t run or call me crazy, instead he held me, no pity, no judgment, and he told me I was strong..I don’t think I can believe that though. I told him about Tix and how I sang to her..when I was around Tix I felt better, but losing her made me feel nothing again…but now being around Finn makes me feel something..Finn and I are the same I think, we both understand what it’s like to lose your best friend, what it’s like to be abandoned, to feel like you are unwanted. Finn said how happy he was that we met, that we could share these feelings with each other, I think I have one feeling he does not share though, diary. I think I could be okay with just being friends with him, at least I get to be around him. It’s far too soon to be thinking like this anyway, I’ve only just met him..but still..I can’t help but feel like this is something more, but I’m far to broken for someone as kind and lovely as him to love me, so I’ll just be his mad fat friend. 

Finn was shocked to find out they realized they loved one another around the same time, he had realized he was falling in love with her the night before this had taken place, he was remembering the conversation he had with his dad, that he told Rae about his Mum and his Nan, and how Rae comforted him and sang to him like his nan did and how he felt he needed to tell her everything..”What do you think it means..”… “I think it means you finally met the person you are willing to let in fully and completely.. that is very rare in life kid…as you know we often don’t share certain things for fear of being hurt or left, so we pick and choose the parts of us we want to be seen..and with Rae, well I think you feel you can be your true self with her, that you can share all the pieces of you with no fear of rejection… you’re not even that way with me, Finn,..I never knew your Nan sang to you…” Finn knew his dad was right as well as his Nan, he had found his other half, the one person who he let in truly and completely, he knew he was in love with her. He thought about what her mum said how connecting over grief is sometimes just that and nothing else, but Finn knew as well as Rae that what they had was more than that, that they connected on a much deeper level.

He thought back to the night he told her he loved her, the night he knocked some guy out for saying something about her. He should have noticed it before but he was to angry to see it,.... ‘no one had taken the piss since I’ve been home, I’m an idiot to think that it would have stayed that way, I should be used to it but it still gets to me’…’Finn, people will always be saying things about me..it’s just a fact…..Finn..I’m not worth it..he told her that she was worth it, that he loved her and she made him feel whole but she countered with when I’m with you.. I almost forget that I’m sick…but that’s the thing I’m still sick..what if I never get better.. now he understood why she wanted him to read her diary..because when that guy said something about her all those old feelings came back and she felt worthless, when he knew she was worth everything. She needed him to know, to understand what it does to her and that even though he made her happy, those dark thoughts still lurked inside of her. 

Finn, told me he loved me, I didn’t think it possible for someone as kind and lovely as him to love a blob like me, I don’t even love me…but when I’m with him I feel like anything is possible..I have a feeling I don’t think I have ever felt before, it fizzes like cherry cola and tingles like kisses on my neck..I think it’s called happiness..I love him, diary..and I hope I can get better if not for myself, for him..I can’t promise that I won’t do something stupid again because I can’t stop the world but I can love Finn and I will try for him…

Finn was crying as he read the last entry, she hadn’t written anything since. He looked at the clock and it was 3 am, he had been up all night reading. He thought about going to Rae’s but was worried about her Mum, so he went downstairs to make some tea.

As he sat with his cup in front of him he sighed heavily, he hadn’t even noticed his dad walk in.

“Whats got you awake, son” Gary asked as he sat across form Finn

“Sorry I woke ya” Finn sighed rubbing his eyes

“Tell me what’s on your mind..looks like you’ve been crying” Gary sat forward some

Finn sighed thinking he should be honest with his dad, he knew his dad was an understanding person and wouldn’t think any different of Rae.

“Remember how you said you knew Rae had been through a lot” Finn said concentrating on the heat billowing from his tea cup

“Yeah” his dad said in question

“Well you were right, she has been through a lot” Finn looked up at his dad

“How so” Gary asked furrowing his eyebrows

“A few months ago…she..she tried to kill herself” Finn said, a very audible gasp leaving his dads mouth.

“Son..” Gary said his eyes glistening

“She was treated for her wounds then admitted to a mental ward..where she met her friend Tix, the one who died” Finn said softly

“Oh my god..” Gary said stunned

Finn sighed

“Is she okay now..is she better” Gary asked, he couldn’t think of what else to say at the moment

“She’s getting there but..tonight she had me read her diary..” Finn said, as he sloshed his tea around

“And..” Gary said, needing a bit more information before he could reply or just needed to overcome the initial shock

“It was not good..she talked about how people would make fun of her and tell her she was nothing and that she believed them because there was no point in arguing the truth..” Finn’s eyes welled up again

Finn sucked in a hard breath “how could people say such horrible things when they don’t even know her” Finn cried

“Finn..” Gary said reaching for his son, he placed a hand on Finns forearm

“I can’t tell you why other people do what they do..people can be very cruel for reasons unknown to us, I don’t understand people who base a person’s self-worth off the way they look” Gary suspected that the way Rae looked had to do with her being bullied.

“There isn’t anything wrong with the way she looks, she’s beautiful” Finn sobbed

“I know that and you know that..but some peoples perception of beauty is severely altered, many only rely on superficial reasons to find someone attractive or worthy..especially at your age”

“…but just because someone is beautiful on the outside doesn’t mean they are beautiful on the inside they could be horrid and that would alter your perception of them and you would no longer find them attractive… if someone was plain on the outside but a beautiful on the inside you would see them as beautiful as a whole, inside and out..” Gary tried his best to explain, hoping Finn would understand

“So your saying people said what they said because they didn’t know her and if they did, they wouldn’t say those horrible things about her..” Finn said through his tears

“Yes, well I can’t say for sure because sometimes people are just real arseholes” Gary said softly.

“This is so frustrating why can’t people just mind their own fucking business” Finn said slamming his hand on the table.

“I know it is, but all you can do is be there for her..” Gary sighed

“You already hit that one guy..you can’t go around hitting everyone who says something negative about her, all you can do is just be there for her and let her know that you love her and that what the arseholes say means nothing, that they are not worthy of her time” Gary said, this was a lot to process and he knew he only had part of the story.

“I know” Finn sighed

“You just be there for her like she’s been there for you” Gary said

Finn furrowed his brows “Finn, she’s made a big impact on your life, I can see a change in you for the better and that’s because of her..and I still stand by what I said, if you hurt her I’ll have to smack you” Gary smiled trying to lighten the mood.

“I know, Thanks” Finn said softly, he didn’t know his dad had noticed how much he had changed since he met Rae.

When Gary went back upstairs Finn checked the time it was almost 5, he decided to go for a walk to think about what happened with his dad and what he read. As he found himself on the familiar path to Rae’s house he thought about what Rae wrote I can try for Finn he loved that she would try for him, but he wanted her to try for herself, to love herself, to see that she is worth everything, and that the names people call her are empty, that they mean nothing that other people do not define who she is, and that she is wanted. 

“Finn..” he heard breaking him out of his thoughts

“Hi” he said softly

“What are you doing” they said in unison, then shared a small smile

“Couldn’t sleep, so I came for a walk..I heard some people do that when they can’t sleep” she shrugged her shoulders smiling

Finn grinned back at her “what about you?” she asked

“I finished it..and just needed to think about what I want to say to you” he said softly, glancing at his feet.

“Right” Rae said softly.

“Let’s take a walk, yeah” Finn held out his hand for Rae smiling softly

Rae smiled placing her hand in Finns, they found themselves sitting on the benches outside of the cemetery.

“Rae..” Finn said softly waiting for her to look at him

“Yeah” she mouthed

“What I read…I just I’m so sorry Rae, I wish that none of that happened to you, it hurts me that you hurt so much..and I know you told me that being bullied, your dad and being alone, all built up and you just did it, and I know you don’t have an exact reason but..” he sighed, trying not to cry but it seemed inevitable.

“.. I mean it’s one thing to think something, but you really believed it, and I couldn’t see how…then I remembered you telling me the night I hit that guy and told you I loved you, that you weren’t worth it and I told you that you were, and now I guess I understand that the reason you believed all those things is because you didn’t have anyone to tell you not to…” Finn said hoping he was making sense and that he was not off base.

“Honestly Finn, I’m not sure if hearing all the stuff said about me contradicted would have helped, on some level I think we all believe part of the negative things said about us..”

“..but everyone is under different circumstances which make the things being said easier to believe..for me as you know, it was my dad leaving, having no friends, always being alone… it all played a part..I just don’t know which weighed more, but really they all coincided, it all left me feeling the same way..alone and unwanted” she sighed.

“I can understand that..” Finn sighed

“I’m not saying that hearing those things contradicted wouldn’t have helped, I just don’t know…but now that I have been going to therapy its helping, you though, you have really helped me, especially after Tix…and that night when you told me I was worth it, a tiny part of me did believe you, then you told me you loved me; even though I don’t love me yet, I knew I would try to be better for you and try to believe you when you said those types of things..especially because of how you make me feel, I told you I don’t feel numb or empty, that you make me feel complete, that I’m happy…that the feeling you give me overpowers the negative..and it does..but that night I still felt that pang of hatred towards myself, it just wasn’t as much as before and that’s because of you..but you might not always be around..and I can’t stop the world” she sighed, her eyes welling with tears

“Rae, that’s why you need to be better for yourself, I want you to see what I see, I want you to believe that you are strong, and brave and wonderful in so many ways that we could be here all day if I listed them, to know that you are wanted, that you’re beautiful, so if I’m not there to make you feel these things you can do it on your own..and by me not being there I mean like I’m in class or at the store or something…I’m going to help you realize that you are everything I say you are, I don’t care how long it takes..but you have to try, for you” he reached over wiping the tears from her face as his own rolled down his cheeks.

“I’ll try..” she said softly

“I love you..and I want you to love yourself as much as I love you” he sighed.

“I love you, too” she said

Finn leaned in placing his lips on hers happily.

As they pulled apart Finn thought to tell her about another thing he had read

“By the way, about that unshared feeling you wrote about” he smiled

She smiled covering her eyes with her hands “What about it” she said her voice muffled by her hands

“The night before, when I told you about Nan, I had talked to my dad about you and after our talk I realized, I was in love with you.”

She slowly removed her hands form her face “Really..” she said quietly in shock

Finn smiled nodding his head.

“I’m sorry I’m so much trouble” she said deeply apologetic

“Rae, don’t apologize because you got stuff, everyone does, everyone has to struggle and fight” Finn said, as he stroked her face.

“I know..” she sighed “You have a lot going on too, and here I am shoving my diary at you” she said wiping her tears

“Rae, you know I will talk to you just like you talk to me if something is wrong..don’t worry” he gave her small reassuring smile. 

“I can’t believe you said that thing about your mum leaving to the gang though” she said softly

“Yeah, well I figured if you were brave enough to tell them about you, I could be brave to tell them a bit about me..I’m not sure if I want to say anything further though” Finn sighed

“You know you don’t have to Finn” Rae smiled leaning her forehead against his

“I know, but it did feel a bit better saying it..like I was giving my nan the recognition she deserves” he sighed

“Your Nan knows Finn..she would be proud of you, of how strong you are and she knows how lucky I am to have you” Rae brought her hand to his cheek lightly stroking it.

They broke apart to the sounds of the cemetery gates being unlocked

“Shall we go in and tell them we finished the song” Finn smiled

“Yeah” Rae said softly

Finn stood up holding his hand out for Rae which she happily took, as they entered the cemetery gates holding hands they smiled at each other knowing they had a long way to go, but they were going to be alright.


	14. Final

It was one day before the memorial service, and they had just one last stop to make. 

 

“Hi, you two” Beatrice smiled at them from behind the counter.

“Hi” Rae and Finn both smiled at her

“The usual” she asked

“Actually we came to ask you something” Rae said then looked to Finn

“Well, out with it dears” she teased

“Um..my Nan passed..” Finn trailed off

“..And my best friend passed..” Rae said after Finn left off

“Oh, I’m so sorry” Beatrice said placing her hand over her heart.

They both smiled softly at her “We are holding a memorial service for them at the cemetery, we will be performing a song we wrote, we dedicated it to them, but also to anyone who as lost a loved one, and wanted to know if you would like to come.” Rae said softly.

“Oh, dear I would love to come” Beatrice said, softly.

“You know my husband is buried there” she sighed.

Finn and Rae looked at each other then back to Beatrice “It was a long time ago” she said catching their heart breaking look.

“So you will come?” Finn asked softly.

“I wouldn’t miss it” she smiled at them

“Now time for tea”

“No, really it’s okay” Rae said not wanting to trouble her

“Now hear you me, you two are going to sit down and have some tea” she pointed at them, winking before she turned around.

Rae and Finn sat gingerly waiting while Beatrice brought them their tea, they chatted with her a long while before leaving, Beatrice having told them stories of her husband.

When they left the café they walked silently holding hands back to Finn’s house. They went upstairs and laid back on his bed just enjoying each other’s company, they had had an emotional few days.

“Finn..” Rae spoke softly

“Yeah..” he turned his head to look at her and saw her eyes were watery.

“I didn’t think it would last” she said, her eyes locked on the ceiling.

“Didn’t think what would last?” he sat up leaning on his elbow.

“This…me and you, I thought for sure after you read my diary..that you might not love me anymore..that I would be too much for you to handle..and I just wanted to say..I’m sorry, I’m sorry I doubted you” with that she finally turned to look at him, tears cascading down her cheek.

Finn smiled softly at her bringing his hand to her cheek, she leaned into it taking a deep breath, “you don’t have to apologize for anything Rae, it’s only natural to be doubtful, and I will do my very best to make sure you don’t ever doubt the way I feel about you, it doesn’t matter what you do, I can tell you for certain I will always love you no matter what” he leaned in placing a soft kiss on her lips, then touched his forehead to hers.

“You know its day like this that we know were going to make it” Finn said as he pulled her closer to him and she snuggled under his chin.

“What do you mean?” she asked softly.

“I mean, that we are going to have our good days and our bad days, days where you might doubt me or days where I might doubt you, or days when we are just down, whether it’s from work or kids or from missing Nan and Tix, but we will always end up talking to each other, we talk it out because we know the other will always be there to listen, we both spent so much of our lives bottling our emotions, not letting anyone in, and now we have each other, we can talk to each other freely about how we feel, so we won’t be one of those couples who never communicates, I know we will sort out our issues and at the end of the day we will go to bed knowing how strong our love is, how strong our bond is, that it can never be broken.” Finn whispered to her as he gently rubbed her back.

Finn could hear Rae sniffling, “hey, hey now..” he said trying to soothe her.

“Happy tears..” she said as wiped her eyes.

“I just, I never thought I would find anyone, I figured I would be alone forever” she sighed

“I know what you mean, I never thought I would find someone who would truly understand me; that I would let in, but I held on to the hope that I would, and then when I wasn’t even looking I found the person who would be my forever, I found you” he spoke softly to her.

“Thank you for everything Finn, you are my forever” Rae sighed and she snuggled back into him.

A moment passed, “How many kids do you want?”

“I dunno, two or three” he answered happily.

“Two I think, one girl one boy?” she looked up at him.

“Alright one girl and one boy it is”

She could hear the smile in his voice, “What if we get two girls or two boys” she asked.

“Then we can keep trying” he looked down at her and winked, she nudged him softly.

“Where should we live” he asked.

“I dunno, maybe in the country, something with land, but not too far out of the way of the city” she wondered aloud. 

“That sounds nice, we could get a dog”

“I could watch you work in the garden with no shirt on” she said, then chuckled slightly embarrassed.

“You’ll bring me ice water?”

“Yeah..”

“And give me a back massage”

“Don’t push it Finnley” she poked him playfully in the side as he chuckled.

“Do you wanna go to Uni?” he asked

“I dunno, I thought about it, maybe, not sure yet, what about you?”

“Same, not sure”

“Whatever happens we decide together?” she looked up at him.

“Always” he smiled down at her.

Finn kissed her on the top of the head, he could feel her breathing becoming even and deep, he lay there thinking about their future plans with a smile on his face knowing it would happen. Before sleep took him he traced F-O-R-E-V-E-R on her arm, he closed his eyes and felt her trace P-R-O-M-I-S-E? on his chest, and he pulled her closer whispering promise.

When they woke up the sun had already set and Gary was home, they went downstairs to find Gary had dinner set out for them.

“Hey you two, I was just about to come up, long day?” Gary asked with a smile.

Rae and Finn stretched and yawned before the sat down “yeah, had to do a couple things then just came back and fell sleep” Finn sighed tiredly.

“Rae, before I forget your mum called earlier, I told her you were fine, that you and Finn were practicing the song and I didn’t want to interrupt, now I know you guys were just sleeping when I got home, but I didn’t want to worry her so, you know so if she asks you..” Gary smiled at Rae.

“Thanks Gary” Rae smiled sheepishly at him.

As they tucked into dinner Gary asked who was coming the next day, when they told him he was surprised, it would be a pretty good size crowd; after dinner Finn and Rae happily cleaned up, something just to keep their nerves distracted, then Finn walked Rae home.

“You nervous about tomorrow?” he asked as they walked up to her door.

“No, but there is plenty of time for that tomorrow” she gave him a cheeky smile.

“You’re going to be great, girl” Finn smiled at her as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

“We’re going to be great Finnley” Rae smiled at him and leaned into him for a kiss.

He brought his hand up to her cheek holding her gently as they kissed, all too soon her mum opened the door beckoning her to come in, Rae smiled as her mother went back in the house “I’ll see you in the morning, Finnley” Rae said, stroking his cheek then gave him one last kiss before entering the house.

After Rae got settled for bed she laid down with her diary in hand, she flipped through the pages and as reread the memories that she and Tix shared, she could faintly hear Tix’s voice, and if she closed her eyes she could see her perfectly, it was like she could feel her presence as she read. Rae closed her diary and set on her bed side table turning off her light, she settled into bed and sighed, “tomorrow I’m going to sing to you one last time Tix, I love you Fatty” Rae whispered before she drifted off to sleep.

When Finn got home Gary was already in bed, Finn quietly went in his room and turned on his bed side light. He laid back in bed thinking about Rae, about his Nan, about how the next day would go. Finn got up and went to his record player and put on Hey Jude, the volume low so not to wake his Dad, he walked to the other side of his room and picked up the picture of him and his Nan, walking back over to his bed he laid down setting it on the bed side table and turned on his side staring at it. “I miss you so much Nan, I miss our talks..” he took a shuddering breath “..I wish I would have done something to show how thankful I was to you, how much I appreciated you…while you were still here, you’ll never know how grateful I am to you Nan, you saved my life..” he choked back quietly “..i-if it wasn’t for you I might not be here and I would have never met Rae, I might have never known that I had reason to live, when I lost you I thought I didn’t have a reason anymore, that I would just be lost and alone with no point to my life and thought was life even worth living anymore, but then I thought back to that night I came to you, and you sang to me and you told me I would find someone, and I did, I owe you so much Nan, I wish you could have met Rae, you would love her just as much as I do, I just hope that I can make you proud Nan..” Finn spoke softly as his warm tears flow freely down his face, the picture of him and his Nan blurring through his tears.

-

The next morning Finn woke to the picture of him and his Nan, “Today is the day Nan” he said softly as he ran his fingers lightly over the picture.

He got out of bed looking around his wardrobe for clean clothes and then made his way to the bathroom, after he was done showering he toweled off, dressed and made his way downstairs.

He walked quietly into his dad office as he could hear the faint sounds of The Beatle’s Yesterday playing. Finn knew this would be a very emotional day for not only him and Rae, but for also his father. He knocked on the door and Gary turned around with a photo in his hand Finn couldn’t quite see.

“Hey kid” Gary said his voice cracking.

“What do you have there” Finn furrowed his brows and nodded at the frame in Gary’s hand.

Gary walked toward Finn and smiled down at the picture, then turned it around handing it to Finn, there was a slight intake of breath and Finn’s eyes began to tear up, “I never saw this” he said softly looking down at the picture, it was of him when he was newborn and his Nan cradling him with a watery smile.

“It was in some of her things” Gary said softly.

“How come I’ve never seen this?” Finn asked looking up to his dad.

“I dunno, I never saw it either, I came across it when I was going through the last box of her things” Gary smiled weakly.

“Can I keep it?”

“Of course you can” Gary said pulling Finn in for a hug.

“Are you ready for today?” Gary asked as he pulled out of the hug.

Finn nodded, “yeah” he sighed.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be great, both of you will, from what I’ve heard these past weeks, there’s nothing to worry about” Gary patted Finn on the shoulder.

Finn smiled weakly as he clutched the picture of him and his Nan, he then made his way quickly back up to his room and set the picture on his bedside table. He picked up his guitar placing it in its case, he swung the strap of the case over his shoulder and turned making his way out of his room.

–

When he got to Rae’s and knocked on her door it opened rather quickly and he was greeted by a tear faced Rae causing his own face to drop.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, as he stepped in he dropped his guitar and embraced her in a hug.

Rae clung to him balling up the back of his shirt burying her face in his neck, he shushed and soothed her rubbing his hand in circles along her back.

Rae sniffed hard and finally pulled back to look at Finn with a weak smile.

“Hey now what’s wrong” he asked as he tenderly tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

She sighed leaning into to his palm which was now cradling her cheek, “It’s just…” she said as the tears started to fall again.

Finn brought her to him kissing her temple his hand stroking the back of her head, “Its real now..huh?” he asked quietly, Rae sniffed and nodded against him.

They had been embraced for a long while in her doorway until Rae spotted someone walking by looking at them oddly, she chuckled small pulling away from Finn and shut the door before heading up to her room.

They sat on her bed in silence as she tried to sniff away her tears, Finn had his left arm around her shoulders his hand rubbing lightly, while his right hand held tightly on to hers.

After a moment Rae spoke softly, “I know she’s gone, but it’s like I didn’t let myself really believe it until last night, and then waking up knowing I’ll be saying my last goodbye to her, I just I don’t know if I can do it” Rae began to sob harder.

Finn pulled Rae into a tight hug, “It’s okay, Rae” he cooed and shushed her, “I know what you mean, I..I felt the same way last night, but then I realized something..” he spoke softly.

“What?” she spoke just below a whisper.

“It’s not goodbye, just because they are not here in the physical sense doesn’t mean there are not with us, because they are, they’re in here..” Finn touched his palm to Rae’s heart, “we carry the memories with us, they will always be with us, I still talk to Nan as if she’s right in front of me, ready to tell me to stop being a twat..” Finn chuckled lightly as did Rae.

“I talk to Tix, too..I talked to her last night, it was like I could feel her presence” Rae sighed.

“And how did you feel?” Finn asked.

“Sad..but calm..like I knew she was okay”

“I told her I was going to sing to her one last time..”

“Rae, this doesn’t have to be the last time, you can sing to her whenever you want, whenever you’re missing her, needing to feel close to her”

“I suppose, it wouldn’t be weird?”

“Not any weirder than me basically talking into space” he smirked.

Rae nudged him lightly, “I’m sorry I’m always such a mess”

He pulled out of the embrace and cupped her face in his hands, “It’s okay” he teased and scrunched up his face at her, she scoffed playfully.

“Rae, you’re not a mess, you.are.human.” he emphasized each word.

“You have been through a lot, and you deal how you deal, no one can tell you it’s wrong, and stop apologizing for it, you are not a mess” he said searching her eyes looking for understanding.

Rae leaned forward swiftly capturing his lips with hers, both sighed into the kiss, they broke apart foreheads touching Finn lightly stroking her cheek as she gently traced his jawline, “I love you” the spoke at the same time, they smiled and leaned in for chaste kiss.

“Should we practice one last time?” Rae asked.

“No” Finn shook his head, “I just wanna lay with you” he smiled.

Rae nodded and they both lay back on her bed, both turned on their side each having an arm draped over the others waist.

After a few moments of just breathing one another in Rae asked shyly, “what did you tell your Nan?”

Finn smiled small and sighed, “Just that I miss talking to her and she saved me, that if it wasn’t for her I might not be here and never would have met you”

Rae pulled him a little closer smiling weakly at him, “did you think about…after she passed?”

Finn looked down and nodded, “your Nan stopped you…again?”

“Yeah..I owed it to her to live, to try and find something, someone worth living for..and I did” he sighed.

Rae smiled and stroked his cheek

Rae’s stomach grumbled and she laughed embarrassed by the loud rumbling, “Sorry to ruin a moment” she said sheepishly.

“You didn’t, and what did I say I about apologizing” he smirked at her.

“Besides I’m pretty hungry too, haven’t eaten anything yet, so let’s get some food in us” he smiled.

They made their way down stairs and into the kitchen, Rae saying she just wanted something to tide her over, she didn’t want to get nervous a spew her guts all over, Finn just laughed and bopped her on the nose, Finn settled for cheese on toast and Rae had toast and jam.

“Where is your mum and Karim” Finn asked before he took a bite.

“They are both at work but will be there in time”

“We need to set off in about an hour” Finn said checking his watch.

“Already?” Rae asked, not realizing how much time had passed.

“Yeah”

Rae dropped her piece of toast, “Its going to be okay Rae, and even if you can’t do it that’s okay too” Finn smiled reassuringly at her.

“No” she said reaching across the table holding Finns hand, “I’m going to do it” she smiled, he smiled squeezing her hand then she tucked back into her toast.

After they were done they decided to leave early so they can go and visit with Finn’s Nan and Tix first.

As they entered the familiar gates of the cemetery both stopped and looked at each other giving the others hand a tight squeeze, Finn and Rae went their separate ways knowing they needed to be alone this time. A half hour later Finn saw Rae sitting on their bench he quietly sidled up next to her and lightly traced OK? On her thigh, she smiled looking up at him and laced her fingers with his.

The sun was setting low in the sky and warm breeze filled the air around them, they basked in the calm summer air a few moments longer before quietly heading to the office of the director.

After they met with the director, they wandered over to the little stone Gazebo that was normally used for eulogies, it was simply set up, just two stools side by side, no microphones or amps, the stone walls of the gazebo would work to reverberate the sound loud enough.

As people started to gather Rae and Finn stepped aside going behind the gazebo, not wanting to speak to anyone until after the 5 minutes were up.

“You ready, girl” Finn asked holding both Rae’s hands in his.

“As I’ll ever be” she smiled.

“Rae, I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll never get tired of saying it, I love you, and I’m so lucky to have found you, you are my forever” he sighed as he pressed his forehead to hers.

“I love you too, I know now more than ever that I was meant to find you, you’re my forever”

Finn leaned in kissing Rae lightly on the lips, they pulled away and Finn tugged on her hands

“Ready”

“With you..always” she smiled.

When they walked back out they saw all their friends and family quietly talking amongst each other, until Chop shouted “there they are” causing Izzy to slap him on the arm and Finn and Rae to give him a pointed look before smiling.

Finn looked over at Rae and smiled “Um..if everyone would light their candle now, we will be starting in a moment”

Finn and Rae watched as their friends and family lit their candles that were being held by clear plastic cups.

“We..Rae and I would like to thank you all for coming to help commemorate my Nan and her best friend Tix, but this night is not only for them, it’s for anyone else who has lost a loved one”

“We wrote a little song in memory and hope you all enjoy” Finn smiled, he looked over at Rae and nodded his head she nodded back and they sat on the stools Finn picked up his guitar and began strumming.

“This is Hear you me” he spoke.

There’s no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go  
I never said thank you for that  
I thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?  
So lucky, so strong, so proud  
I never said thank you for that  
Now I’ll never have a chance

May Angels lead you in  
Hear you me my friends  
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go  
May Angels lead you in

Finn and Rae were looking out at their friends and family who had begun to lightly sway, Rae softly tapped her foot in time with the beat, she looked over at Finn to find him looking at her both sharing a small smile.

So what would you think of me now?  
So lucky, so strong, so proud  
I never said thank you for that  
Now I’ll never have a chance

May Angels lead you in  
Hear you me my friends  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May Angels lead you in

Finn looked over at Rae and her at him as they sung to each other.

May Angels lead you in  
May Angels lead you in  
May Angels lead you in  
May Angels lead you in

They looked back out to the crowd which grew closer, only candles dimly lighting their faces, as Rae took a deep breath she looked to Finn who was smiling softly at her as he strummed the guitar, she tried not to let the tears threatening to spill release and she was doing fine until she looked back out into the crowd and saw Kester with Tix’s parents standing beside her mum and Karim, she gave them a weak smile looked back at Finn with tears of his own…taking a deep breath she softly sang 

And if you were with me tonight  
I’d sing to you just one more time  
A song for a heart so big  
God wouldn’t let it live

May Angels lead you in  
Hear you me my friends  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May Angels lead you in

May Angels lead you in  
Hear you me my friends  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May Angels lead you in  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May Angels lead you in

As Finn strummed the last chord of his guitar, he looked to Rae who was smiling at him, he smiled at her and reached out his hand which she happily took. He pushed his guitar behind him as they stood hand in hand. They looked out on to their friends and family to find watery smiles looking back at them. The first to break the silence was Chop, he walked up to Finn and Rae and engulfed them into a hug, the rest of the gang came up and soon they were all bundled together as Izzy, Chloe and Archie sobbed along with denying Chop, who let out the hardest sniff of them all, causing them to chuckle.

After they separated Gary made his way over, and hugged Rae firmly, then kissed her forehead, he the pulled Finn into a bone crushing hug and kissed him on the top of his head. When Gary pulled out of the hug he placed his hands on either of their shoulders “That was just beautiful, Finn, mum would have loved it, she would be so proud of you, and Rae, I didn’t know Tix but I am certain she would have loved it as well, you two have been through so much and you are both so strong, I’m proud of you both” Gary said with tears streaming down his face.

Rae and Finn didn’t hesitate to both hug him. “My turn” all three heard from the side. Linda was standing with Karim. Gary smiled at Linda and stepped aside, “Oh Rae, Finn, that was just so lovely, I absolutely loved it, Tix would be so proud of you Rae, you are so strong both of you are, and Finn your Nan would be proud of you as well, oh no, I’m gonna cry again” Linda said as she pulled both Finn and Rae into an awkward hug. Rae looked up at Karim and he smiled “beautiful” he said thickly then placed his hand Linda’s shoulder “Come, we go” Karim said, Linda released Rae and Finn “Thanks mum” “Thanks Mrs. Bouchtat” they smiled at her.

Kester and Tix’s parents walked up to Rae and Finn next, Finn dropped his hand an intertwined it with Rae’s, as Tix’s parents and Kester talked to her. She introduced Finn as her boyfriend telling them that was originally his idea for the song, Tix’s parents told Rae that they were happy that Tix had a friend like her, that Tix never could confide in anyone, and that they were so grateful for her and everything she had done to try and help Tix. Kester spoke telling Rae and Finn that the song could be good radio hit, which made them laugh, He then went into serious mode telling them how beautiful the song was and how kind of a gesture it was to commemorate the lives of those lost and how much Tix and his Nan would have enjoyed and loved it.

After they greeted a few more people Rae and Finn walked over to Beatrice, she held out her hands to them which they took, she squeezed their hands and told them, how much the song touched her, then joked saying she wanted Royalties if the song made it on the radio for using her line of “hear you me” to which Finn and Rae laughed. They hugged Beatrice goodbye and walked over to Mrs. Dewhurst who was still wiping away her tears. She held her arms open and Rae hugged her tightly. When she pulled out of the hug Rae had tears streaming down her face “thank you for coming, it means a lot to me” Rae said through her tears. Mrs. Dewhurst smiled softly at the pair “I wouldn’t have missed it, it was beautiful what you two have done” she smiled at them. Finn gave her a tight hug and before he pulled away from her he whispered “thank you” to her. Finn smiled at her tears in his eyes, she smiled softly at him as her gaze flicked over to Rae and then back to him, knowing what he was thanking her for, she placed her hand gently on his cheek, “be good to her” she whispered to him, he gave her a stern nod and smiled.

“I best be going” she said looking over to Rae, Rae gave her one last hug before she left.

Soon it was just them sitting on their bench where they sat so many times before. “You sounded beautiful, Rae” Finn spoke softly, “You were perfect, Finn” she spoke back, “You didn’t even seem nervous” she smiled raising an eyebrow to him. “I was a bit nervous but when you held my hand, it just all went away..you have that effect on me, you make me feel calm when your around me” he looked at her adoringly.

“I know what you mean” she sighed happily, leaning into him their foreheads touching.

“You know, Archie once told me that Buddhists say when you meet your soul mate, you’ll feel calm, no anxiety..” Finn spoke softly his eyes flicking up to meet hers.

“..that day..when you were upset and I patted you on the shoulder, I knew there was something about you, that you were special, I could just feel it, before I had even touched you, just your presence made me feel better than I had been feeling in weeks, maybe I knew deep inside that I was in the company of my soul mate; Rae, I know it hasn’t been that long, but I just need you to know that…you’re it for me, I don’t know why or how this happened but it did, me and you were meant to be, I love you”

Rae smiled at him softly then placed her lips on his for a chaste kiss. She pulled away their foreheads still touching and she stroked his cheek, “I know Finn, I know it in my bones that we were meant to be, I had felt it too, when you sat next to me, I could just feel it, then when you touched me it only confirmed it, I know that we were always meant to find each other, I love you and you’re it for me.” She wiped a tear away that was rolling down Finns cheek, he pressed his lips to hers as they held each other tightly.

Some days it feels like you are walking alone in the world, nothing to look forward to and nothing keeping you here; it’s days like this that make a person wonder if they will ever find something to fill the emptiness, the constant void inside them. Maybe, they thought they were complete at one time, but the harsh reality of life ripped a hole in them so deep it hurt to breathe, or maybe they were never complete to begin with. Often times when tragedy strikes the holes within a person grow, and now the hollow that was once a person wanders meaningless through life unaware and unsure if they will ever feel complete.

Rae and Finn knew this feeling all too well, then they found each other, and found that merely by being open and honest and by letting the other in, they found that glimmer of light at the end of what was once a dark and dreary tunnel. They have a long way to go, but they know one thing is for sure, as they walk the path towards that light, it will be together, hand in hand always.

-

9 years later…

“Hiya Nan” Finn says softly as he sits cross legged

“I still miss you everyday” he sighs as his eyes well with tears

“I’m sorry I don’t come back to visit that often..just life moves on y’know” he says as he rearranges some daisies around her headstone.

“I have two very important people in my life that I want you to meet” he said softly with a watery smile

“Remember how you told me I would find someone that would complete me and make me whole..well I now I have two new people in my life that make me feel that way..” he sighed happily

Finn felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned around to see a pair of big green eyes staring down at him, he smiled patting the ground next to him “Nan, I would like you to meet, Ella”

“Is she who I’m named after daddy” his 5 year old questions

“Yes, baby” he leaned over kissing her on her cheek as she leaned into him, Ella inherited the same color eyes as his Nan.

“Where is your mummy and brother” Finn asked looking around the cemetery

“Jude was messing with some flowers and mummy made him fix them” Ella taunted with a smirk

Just then Rae walked up “you need to have a talk with your son” she told Finn as Jude ran up to his dad wrapping his arms around his neck

Rae sat on Finns left as he held Jude in his lap, Ella making her way to sit on her mother’s lap. “Have a good visit with Tix?” Finn asked as he bounced Jude

“Yeah, now she knows that not only am I married, I have twins” Rae chuckled small, the last time they visited they had just been married and a few months later she was pregnant. 

“She knows Rae and she’s happy” Finn sighed happily reaching out to stroke Rae’s cheek.

“I’m named after her too, huh mummy?” Ella questioned looking up at Rae

“Yes, my darling” Rae replied pushing Ella’s long black curly hair away from her face

“Ella Tixie Nelson” Ella recited her name proudly

“My names better” Jude pipped up

“Not uh” Ella whined

“Uh huh..Jude Gary Nelson” Jude said with pride, Jude would take Gary’s name as he became ill just before they were born, it had been a long year of fighting but he recovered before their first birthday.

“Hey, now” Finn said calmly looking between his children

“You both were named after very important people in mine and mummy’s lives no one name is better, they’re both special, you are both special” he cooed softly. 

The both looked to Rae and she gave them a knowing look “yes, daddy” they both replied.

Finn and Rae sat with their children telling them stories, telling them their story, they knew Jude and Ella were still too young to fully grasp but they were quite astute for their age, Rae always saying they took after Finn in that way.

“You wrote the song after them huh?” Ella asked as she heard Rae humming it

“Yes..” Rae smiled, when Jude and Ella were just born and would fuss, Finn found that they would calm when singing to them, especially the song he and Rae wrote, so now he and Rae sing it to them most nights or when they’re upset and it would immediately calm them.

Now that the twins were older they would sing the song along with them, once not long ago while Finn and Rae were making dinner they could hear Finns acoustic being played with not making any recognizable music, they walked into the lounge quietly as Jude strummed the chords and he and Ella sang the song, Jude Finn’s part and Ella Rae’s, Rae and Finn smiling at each other letting them be.

“What are you thinking about?” Finn asked smiling adoringly at Rae.

Rae looked over to Finn as she played with Ella’s hair “Just happy’ she said softly

“Me too” Finn smiled leaning over for a kiss in which Rae happily leaned in

“Yuck” Jude said rolling his dark brown eyes, Rae and Finn chuckling into their brief kiss.

“Oi! I love your mum” Finn says to Jude

“We know dad..she completes you” Ella says rolling her eyes, Finn chuckling as Rae laughs and rolls her eyes playfully.

“That’s right and so do you two” Finn said, tickling Jude and reaching out his left hand to tickle Ella

“Alright, alright” the twins laugh.

They sat for a while longer in a comfortable silence as a soft breeze filled the air around them. then Finn, Rae, Ella and Jude made their way out of the cemetery hand in hand. As they loaded in the car, Finn smiled at Rae taking her hand in his, he placed a soft kiss on the back of her hand, he glanced back at his children who were trying their best to not let sleep overcome them.

He looked back at Rae who is smiling at him, “Ready?”

“With you..always” she replied leaning in for one more kiss. 

—–

song Hear you me by JImmy Eat World

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it and the little epilogue :)


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